Insomnia blows – just thought I would put that out there. In any event, because of this, I've come up with more questions and thoughts that I couldn't find the answers to on Google:

• What's the difference between drinking water and spring water? They are sold side-by-side on the store shelf. Aren't these two things the same? When does one buy drinking water and when does one buy spring water? Doesn't make any Goddamn sense.
• What's up with the word tartar? Tartar sauce is made with mayonnaise and relish and is eaten with fish. Cream of tartar is an ingredient used with egg whites and baking powder. And though it's not spelled the same, steak tartare is just raw meat. Why do all these things have the same root? They can't all come from the same thing, can they? Was there a Mr. Tartar?
• While I'm on the subject of food, what's the deal with butter? When one thinks of butter one generally thinks of yellow sticks that come from a cow, but what about peanut butter? What is the word butter supposed to mean? And why do you churn regular butter but grind peanut butter? Why don't we churn peanut butter?
• Where did the word billboard come from? Is Bill the name of the guy who created it? Because in my mind it should be called an adboard. After all, it's a board that is used to advertise products and services. I see no reason why we should call it a bill-board.
• If a meteorologist study the weather, then who studies meteors? Don't try to lump the study of meteors with astronomers. I'm talking about the person who studies nothing but meteors. It should have a name.
• A restaurant should sell something called a Mao Tse Tung Sandwich.
• Are you aware that there is an entire generation of kids who don't know Marvin the Martian? Why did he go away? And why did Marvin the Martian wear basketball shoes?

You've never thought about these things, but now you will.

A man from North Carolina allegedly attacked his wife with a chainsaw last week. Apparently his wife was getting all uppity, as is their want, during an argument about her being barefoot and pregnant. I assume that this is what couples argue about in North Carolina. They are a simpler people there – real salt of the Earth.

One rather interesting note in this story is that his wife was treated for a minor chainsaw wound and released from the hospital. Now I am no doctor, but wounds suffered from chainsaws seem like a rather binary system. You either have no chainsaw wounds, or you have horrible chainsaw wounds. After all, when you high-carbon steel rotating exceedingly fast close to your skin, that doesn't really leave much room for error. It's either cutting your flesh, or it's not. In any event, if I were this woman I would be moving away from North Carolina to somewhere better, like anywhere else in the world. I guess they do say that true love can survive anything. Perhaps chainsaw assaults could be categorized as anything.

Here is a little bit of clown news to brighten your day. Carrie L. Williams-Thompson, also known as Kooki the Clown, was arrested after allegedly stealing more than $500,000 dollars from an elderly woman, whom Kooki became friends with after her husband had died. Kooki then used her Power of Attorney to purchase homes, clown horns, face paint, humorously small cars, balloons, giant wigs, and a fifth wheel trailer, which was to be used for clowning.

I did find the myspace page for "Kooki Carrie". It's all kinds of uncomfortable. Despite the fact that clowns are Goddamn creepy, I encourage you to read Kooki's blog entries. You can see how people have started vandalizing her entries. It's pretty awesome.

This story has one important lesson for all of us, and that is to never let a clown have Power of Attorney. Despite what you may believe, a clown is perhaps not the best individual to take care of your financial affairs after you die, unless you happen to live at a carnival, or have your financial assets invested with the Ringling Brothers.

Life sucks – it's one of the few certainties in life along with death and taxes. Most mornings lately I wake up from my cherry flavored NyQuil hangover expecting a figurative greased pole to administer an emotional rogering. Usually this is an average day for me – par for the course if you will, but this morning I read the following headline: Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds engaged. Let me be honest for a second – If you put a gun to my head I couldn't name you one thing that Ryan Reynolds has been in. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Not a good start to an already bad morning. It was one of those days that are best spent not leaving the house.

There was one bright side to this morning however; there is nothing in this world better than seeing the Drudge siren up. It wasn't much a story – Oil passed $120 a barrel – but Goddamn do I love that image. I think that every story should feature the Drudge siren. Another thing I found that was positive was a news story from Rockford, Illinois – home of Cheap Trick, and Rick Nielen's Pizza. It's a story about a woman who is suing McDonalds because the cashier wouldn't serve her because the woman didn't have arms. It has the best quote ever featured in a news story: "Girl, you ain't got no arms."

It is Cinco De Mayo today, which is Spanish for 'Fifth of Mayo'. That should count for something. I'd say today was a push.

Sometimes at night I have trouble sleeping because of the voices I hear inside my head. Fortunately for me, the voices don't tell me to kill…yet, but merely make certain observations such as these:

• What exactly does "made from scratch" mean? Does scratch refer to the component parts of the item in question? If so, why are they called scratch? Isn't everything technically coming from scratch? Last I checked everything is made from something.
• You ever noticed how things that are laced are always bad? Things are never laced with calcium, iron, or love. Things are always laced with arsenic, lead, or hate.
• In the world of music, have you ever noticed that in rock it's always called a rock band, while in rap it's always called a rap group? Why no rock groups, or rap bands?
• Someone should really create a) An Emo Philips band. b) A country/metal band called Goth Brooks, or c) A mashup performer named Lil' Wayne Newton.
• Ever notice how you never see videocassette rewinders anymore? You know, the ones that were shaped like little cars and you stuck in the VHS tape in the hood and pushed it down? I miss those. It was the closest thing to a Porsche I will ever own.
• Do you ever wonder if Uncle Ben & Aunt Jemima are a couple? I do.
• It's been almost ten years – they need to bring back The Magic Hour. I sense the public is ready for it this time.
• I'm not sure if Sealab 2021 is still on Cartoon Network, but there should be a spin off called Skylab 2021. The series could end with the characters falling to their death in Australia.

Welcome to my nightmare. Welcome to my breakdown.

Former President Bill Clinton toured rural Oregon this past weekend, giving speeches in the following places: Junction City, Albany, Monmouth, Bend, McMinnville, and Oregon City. In these speeches he discussed issues that affect Oregon voters or something like that. He also talked about a 13-page policy plan that is supposed to be an outline for Hillary Clinton's plans for Oregon.

Here is my only question: why is Bill Clinton visiting the worst places in Oregon? Every place on his tour was a dump: Junction Shitty, Oregon Shitty, and Albany (Known fondly as the A-Hole of Oregon). And what exactly is a Monmouth? Is that someone's name, or is a mon-mouth an actual thing? In any event I would rather learn from a distance. I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork than visit the places Bill Clinton had to visit this last weekend. Poor Bill. He should be spending his retirement building houses or forgetting who he is, not visiting small town dumps. There was also a great quote from a Junction City boy regarding Hillary Clinton:

"I want Hillary to be the next president because she has experience and she'd also be the first girl president," said 9-year-old Bill Gorham.

While 9-year-old Bill Gorham does make a couple of good points, that philosophy could backfire – what if she were to pack her cabinet full of boys, or were to infect the Whitehouse with cooties? We all know that is Bill's job.

There are so many icky stories out there right now: Polygamist sex churches, incestuous sex dungeons, and sexually suggestive underage photo spreads. I think that we could all use a good laugh to help flush all of these terrible images from our brains. Luckily, three men in Macon, Georgia are going to do just that after they committed an armed robbery at a Dollar Tree. How much money can one really get from a Dollar Tree? How low can rock bottom be when you find yourself holding a gun to the face of a Dollar Tree employee? Ah Georgia, where life is cheap.

This brings up another interesting point: what do they sell at the dollar store now? The dollar isn't worth anything anymore; so foreign goods are even more expensive. When our currency was strong the dollar store wasn't really a hot bed of quality merchandise. I can only imagine what kind of crap they sell there now.

Sorry for the lack of updates recently. Much like Bob Dylan, I’ve been tangled up in blue. I’m sure you will thank me later. In any event, I would like to say that I have a habit of remembering pointless dates. Two of said dates occurred in the last two days. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the very first update I did for this version of the site, and April 23rd was the four-year anniversary of this domain – my, how things have changed. Four years ago I was in my room alone making snarky comments about celebrities, news stories, and pop culture. Flash forward to now, where I am in my room alone making snarky comments about celebrities, news stories, and pop culture. One thing that will never change – this site is still powered by distilled anger and hate, which everyone knows is the most efficient renewable resource available. It’s a lot like nuclear fusion, but instead of having two hydrogens that fuse into a helium and giving off energy, it’s more like anger and hate fusing into genius and giving off laughter. Yeah, probably took that too far. In any event, I have two things I want to ask:

It’s been four years. Where is my Wikipedia article? Goddamn John Quiggin. I never forgot the injustice you perpetrated.

Have you signed up for the Wyvern920 Fan Club on Thefacebook. If not, then you really should. Your popularity will thank you.

Remember: If you like my site, then tell two friends. If you hate my site, then tell two enemies.

Generally I am not a fan of lists – usually because they are almost always wrong. I especially feel this way about lists involving music, because people have terrible taste in music, and usually pick the worst possible garbage and pass it of as artistic genius. Luckily, this list isn't about music – it is about cocktails: The 11 Manliest Cocktails In The World to be precise about it. Now I know that I don't know as much about alcohol as say a frat boy, but I do know a little about a lot, and a lot about a little. Keeping that in mind, I generally agree with this list (Too much vermouth in the martini though). The order can be debated, but all the pieces are there. However, two exceptions:

4) Tequila Sunrise. I don't think this is manly at all. Grenadine makes a tequila sunrise slightly pink, and as Joey Ramone once said: "Tanqueray & tonic's my favorite drink. I don't like anything colored pink". Good enough for me.

7) Jagerade. That just sounds disgusting. If something were considered manly because it is gross, then by the same logic, Jagermeister and raw sewage would be even manlier.

Why no Bloody Mary? It's pretty much the manliest way to ingest vegetables – with booze! Also this list is useless without gin and tonic. Just sayin'.

 Much like last break, I took copious notes during Spring break, mostly while watching T.V. Since I'm relatively uncreative, and also lame, I'm just going to do the same thing as last time.

• While watching public access channel 22 I stumbled onto a program that featured a woman who looked a lot like Paula Deen, but had a deep man's voice. S/He was reading biblical verses and talking about religion? WTF? Is there a huge market for this? I want answers.
• Why is it that whenever there is a news story about fat people, that the footage is always from the neck down? Is this to spare the fattie the embarrassment of being overweight? I think that ship sailed long before with that all-you-can-eat buffet.
• Debbie Meyer's Greenbags seem to be the best invention ever. You can keep produce around forever because they trap ethylene gas. This is why I don't ever eat strawberries unless they have been preserved for three weeks.
• Billy Mays's Kaboom! seems equally fantastic. I saw that guy selling three different products in the span of a half-hour. Kaboom!, Zorbeez absorbent towels, and Simoniz Fix It Scratch Remover. Billy Mays comes up with products that I didn't even know I needed. That man can fix anything. He should be put in charge Iraq*. As a side note, I decided to look up the Wikipedia article on Billy Mays to learn more about the legend. His article contains this line:

Mays currently resides in Keystone, Florida, northwest of Tampa in a 1.8 million dollar home purchased in 2005. Mr. Mays is often seen in the area driving his Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren or Ferrari.

I love Wikipedia. I don't care if that is true or not, I will choose to believe it, and repeat it as fact to anyone who will listen.

• Sábado Gigante continues to be the best run and most entertaining program on television, in any language. I want Don Francisco to be the host of everything I watch.
• The Time Life Midnight Soul collection they advertise on the TV Guide channel looks fantastic. Almost as awesome as the Time Life Soul Train collection. I don't advocate it, but I'm told that there are outlets in which you can obtain this collection of the biggest soul hits. Just sayin'.
• I've always hated Panda Express, and their commercials simply reinforce that sentiment. Perhaps they should change their name to China Express, or Asian Express, because the last time I checked, their food contained no panda. You go to Burger King, you can get a burger. You go to Taco Bell, you can get a taco. You go to King Burrito, you can get a king burrito. Panda Express? Absolutely no goddamn panda. Bastards.

* Joke stolen from The Dennis Miller Radio Show