It was six years ago today that Wyvern920's Homepage made its very first post at 12:22 AM. Some other important events on this day: New Coke was released on an unsuspecting public, the Polish Constitution was adopted, and the birth of Roy Orbison. In fact, a lot of famous people were born on this day: Lee Mayors, Joyce DeWitt, Michael Moore, George Lopez, Barry Watson, Kal Penn, and John Oliver. What a glorious day in history.

You might have noticed some work that has been done on this website in the past couple of months. The first thing I did was retooled the 'Archive' section by adding the ability to navigate the calendar by month-to-month and year-to-year. The '<' & '>' will allow you to view month-to-month, while the '<<' & '>>' will allow you to view year-by-year. Pretty sweet, eh? The second and most important piece of work done was the reconfiguration of the comments; now the comments here are completely in-house, and controlled by me, wyvern920. Here is what to do:

Name: This is where your name goes. Duh.
Email: This is where your email goes. Duh. I've done my best to make the emails protected, so you won't be inundated with spam. You can rest assured knowing that this site won't be responsible for those Viagra emails you receive.
URL: This is where your website goes. Duh.
Pic URL: This is where you specify the URL of the avatar you would like to display in the comments. Please make the avatar 60 x 60 pixels. If you are a regular poster to this dear website, email me and I can host your picture and supply you with a short phrase that you can enter in the Pic URL field that will simplify the process.
Comment: This is where you enter your comment praising my website and my awesomeness. Duh.
Verification: Just enter the captcha code. I hate it as much as you do, but life is about doing things that you hate until you die. Deal with it.

That should do it. Notice that my avatar is a drinking bird, because I am spicy like that. The default avatar is the crazyforyou heart, so unless you want that to be your legacy, I suggest you pick one yourself. For those of you who enjoy RSS feeds, the RSS feed for my comments can be found here. Also my Twitter account feed can be found here. I hate myself.

It has also come to my attention that my website looks terrible in Firefox and Internet Explorer. For the record, I use Internet Explorer because I am a bad nerd. I apparently have a strange version, because my website looks bad in every other copy of IE except mine. I don't really care all that much, because I don't have to look at it, but this is what my website looks like on my computer. It looks fine on my computer, and that's all that matters. Meh.

I have now become everything I hate, and have signed up for Twitter. I'm really not sure how it is supposed to work, but you are more than welcome to follow my exploits by visiting this link. Please don't hate me.

Here is some of the wacky humour that I have selfishly kept to myself instead of sharing with others: Dutch Bros? Allann Bros? Menendez Bros! Hilarious!

Finally, a new year is upon us. I think I speak for most people when I say that 2008 sucked. Barring the results of certain elections, there were very few good things that happened. I know that for me personally, 2008 just completely ate a bag of it. With each year, I've found that I hate it a little bit more than the previous year, but not as much as the next. When I wake up tomorrow I'm going to pretend that everything that happened in the last year was just a terrible nightmare. However, the previous statement does not reflect my thoughts on this very fine website. My website was fantastic this past year. We had everything from in-depth political coverage to pop culture references to pithy comments regarding our modern life. You just can't find that level of quality entertainment in other places on the web. I don't see Matt Drudge dropping any Mamie Van Doren references, and I don't see Drew Curtis talking about secret Muslim ingredients. I certainly don't see anyone else talking about Stephanie Kralevich. Where else are you going to be informed of these pressing issues?

In any event, like most Americans, I've resolved to do a couple things in the new year. My perennial favorite is always 'not be so awesome.' However, I always end up breaking this resolution on January 1st. I just can't help it. It's too hard. I've also noticed that I've been way too social in recent days, weeks, and months. Therefore, my second resolution is to not be so social. I'm going to be pretty dedicated to this one – I'm not going just give up. It's much easier than 'not be so crazy' – less fun too.

Well, happy New Years, etc, etc. I hope you spend this coming year much like you spent the last year – relentlessly whoring this site to all that will listen.

Well this ain't Come All Ye Faithful,
And this ain't no Silent Night.
Well it's Christmas time in Portland.
And everything's all right.

It's time for my annual Christmas post once again. There's about ten inches of snow on the ground, and the white stuff is coming down as I type this. Thus, I suppose the requirements are officially met for a white Christmas. I suppose ideally it would last all of Christmas, but I'll take what I can get. The weather geeks believe that it will snow tomorrow, and I can't really doubt them – they've given themselves +5 dexterity and +10 forecasting. I can't compete with those stats. In any event, I'm hoping that I get what I want for the Christmas. Santa has a plate full of Spritzgebäck, and a tall glass of soymilk, and I'm hoping to find either my first or my second wish under the tree. (As a side note, I realize that this probably sounds much creepier than I mean it to be. Please don't judge, or take it in the creepy way.)

This brings me to my second thought: if Bing Crosby is dreaming of a white Christmas, do you think that Malcolm X is dreaming of a black Kwanza? I love Kwanza, and not because it's funny to say, and also a perfect punch line to a joke. I love Kwanza because it allows me to celebrate my African roots. Sadly, Kwanza isn't a real holiday. First of all, there are no Kwanza carols. You must have carols to be a real December holiday. Secondly, Kwanza can't really be turned into a commercial event. Unless Corporate America can sell shoddy wares in celebration of said holiday, then it isn't a real holiday. Boxing Day can eat it.

As a side note, NyQuil makes a great stocking stuffer. (stuffer? I barely knew her!)

Come to me my babies, let me quell your pain! Hey there. How are you? It's been a long time, but all I can offer you is a simple shoulder shrug and an uhnuno. I figured that my last update was so awesome that I didn't really need to update again for the rest of summer. Plus, both Gossip Girl and The Hills returned, and there was porn to be watched. I am, after all, a busy person. But I figured that I had to update today, so here we are. If I was more on the ball I would update at exactly 9:20, but OPB is airing Roy Orbison & Friends: A Black and White Night at 9:00 – it's important to set priorities.

So what should this update be about? A best of? No. Recapitulation of the major news events? No. I could have written pages and pages about my disdain for the Summer Olympics, the entertainment that was the Financial Meltdown, or the hotness that is Sarah Palin. Instead, I just talked to myself inside my head while drinking cheap scotch. Here are two stories that are just too good to not say anything about:

Preston Newby was killed on I-5 while he was helping a driver of a disabled car on the side of the road when a car swerved and struck him. Newby was killed instantly on impact. Would it be tasteless to say that Newby was p0wned? Probably. Also, a Los Angeles area clown was convicted of molesting children while wearing a clown suit consisting of heavy makeup, a red wig, floppy shoes, and a big red nose. He met these children at birthday parties and swap meets. Apparently the only thing he was swapping was childhood trauma and years and years of therapy.

That's really all I've got. I thought about doing an entire update where I go through my posts in the last year and try to find any reference or quote that might be ambiguous, and/or explaining my subtle humour that could be best described as 'two percent jokes', but meh. As always, just leave a comment and I'll answer to the best of my ability. Regular updates should return in October, so tell your friends and/or enemies.

Sorry for the lack of updates recently. Much like Bob Dylan, I’ve been tangled up in blue. I’m sure you will thank me later. In any event, I would like to say that I have a habit of remembering pointless dates. Two of said dates occurred in the last two days. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the very first update I did for this version of the site, and April 23rd was the four-year anniversary of this domain – my, how things have changed. Four years ago I was in my room alone making snarky comments about celebrities, news stories, and pop culture. Flash forward to now, where I am in my room alone making snarky comments about celebrities, news stories, and pop culture. One thing that will never change – this site is still powered by distilled anger and hate, which everyone knows is the most efficient renewable resource available. It’s a lot like nuclear fusion, but instead of having two hydrogens that fuse into a helium and giving off energy, it’s more like anger and hate fusing into genius and giving off laughter. Yeah, probably took that too far. In any event, I have two things I want to ask:

It’s been four years. Where is my Wikipedia article? Goddamn John Quiggin. I never forgot the injustice you perpetrated.

Have you signed up for the Wyvern920 Fan Club on Thefacebook. If not, then you really should. Your popularity will thank you.

Remember: If you like my site, then tell two friends. If you hate my site, then tell two enemies.

It's that time once again where I pull back the curtain and show you, the reader, what propels this site's popularity. Here are the March 2008 top search queries for wyvern920.com.

Once again Stephanie Kralevich dominates the list. Oops, by mentioning that name I just guaranteed that she will appear in the list for April. Oh well. Clearly mentioning local celebrities is the way to get web traffic; just a hint for any web entrepreneurs out there. Also Chelsea Clinton and her anatomy seem to bring in the traffic. I hope the Secret Service doesn't come and beat me.

A couple of searches for James A. Hole. I must admit that the story was hilarious, but I can't really imagine wanting to know more about him. Clearly the public is thirsting for more knowledge about the a hole. There are also a couple of hits from the Jack in the Box commercial with the swingers. I believe I have pinpointed the worst moment in that commercial – it occurs after the swinger wife says "Yeah, let's make a jack sandwich," and the swinger husband does the seductive eyebrow raise. It makes me feel dirty just typing it.

Finally, somehow my site is listed under the results for 'tom petty homepage'. I thought I would remind everyone that the new Tom Petty album (under the band name Mudcrutch) is dropping April 29th. It'll help the economy.

Like any good Webmaster, I like to keep my finger on the entertainment pulse that is my site. This is why I utilize Google's Webmaster Tools to keep track of where my site ranks in certain Google searches, and the number of visitors that click over from each site. I enjoy these immensely, and thought I would pull back the curtain and show how a highly successful website runs.

Most of the searches where my page ranks are rather boring. You can take at look at the entire list here. Searches relating to Stephanie Kralevich (who is still beautiful, by the way) rank the highest. I've clearly tapped into some hidden interest that the city of Portland has for its weather forecaster. If you type in 'is stephanie kralevich married' into Google I am the 4th result. The best part of all this is that my mentioning how I rank in Google will cause Google to place me even higher in the rankings, which I can report next month. It's fantastic.

Somehow my site is ranked 12th in searches for 'fisting induced fibromyalgia'. I suppose you can't win 'em all. Sadly, 40% of people who actually come to my site through Google arrive here hoping for information relating to fisting induced fibromyalgia. Tough break I guess. I'm also ranked 9th when it comes to searches relating to 'chelsea clinton boobs'. I sure hope I don't get a visit from Secret Service agents. Speaking of Hillary Clinton, I am ranked 19th for Hillary searches, which must be some sort of error.

Perhaps my favorite ranking of all: My site is ranked number 496 on the Google search of 'how to wank'. I love the Internet. What a strange website this is.

Hello there reader. You might have noticed that I haven't updated for a long while. I can attribute this to laziness, but that is all about to change. I know that all of you come to this site looking for my unique style of literary genius, pop culture, and humor. I also know that I haven't been holding my end of the bargain – the bargain being that I update, and you visit my site. However, I recently changed the layout of the site because the old layout necessitated long posts, while this new improved layout allows updaters to write much less and not make it look half-assed. Please don't hate me for it. In my journey to create a Nick Twispian work of sheer genius and wit, I hope to post many more items in the coming while. Hopefully it will appease the voices inside my head. Uh, yeah. I have no shortage of ideas, including a long list of things that I wrote down during Winter Break.

As a side note, I'm toying with the following idea: What would y'all think of a box on the right side of the page that was similar to the 'What's Wyvern Listening To Now?' but instead was simply titled 'What's Pissing Wyvern Off Now?' Also: I need some clip art for the very upper right corner. If you have an idea or a piece of clip art that you think would be absolutely perfect, please don't be shy and send it my way. Something classy, but that wouldn't be ashamed to be associated with this page. You know, kind of like Savage… but not Savage. I'm trying to keep this PG. I will also get around to fixing my comments that sometimes work, and sometimes don't. Yeah.

Dear Wyvern920 readers,

Are you as sick as I am of this bullshit college lifestyle? Do you suffer from irrational yearnings for the future? I saw Terminator 2 once, but who knows what the future will be like? Well, let's talk about it because I think this is a subject worth investigating. Or perhaps I'm just being sarcastic! Dialectics is one of my interests on facebook, after all.

More likely, you have no idea what I'm talking about. That's OK; neither do I. I do want to talk about the future, though: specifically, the coming winter break. It's hard for me to imagine this break as a reality, since I have to write a 30-page paper about French Marxism or something before it happens. Still, it's creeping up, and I want to hang out with you!

Have you ever heard of the Wu-Tang Clan? You can hear one of their recent bangers here. They are playing at the Roseland on New Year's Eve. It costs too much money but we should go anyway. If you don't want to you're a homo. But there are also other things to do--bars to go to, burritos to eat, Blazers to see lose. The world is literally our oyster!

I apologize if posting not universally topical material offends anyone.

Sincerely Yours,

Savage