So, uh, hey there. Long time no see. I'd love to be telling you that I've been feeding the poor and caring for sick children, but obviously that would be a lie. In reality I've been normalizing wave functions and watching the baseball playoffs. Speaking of which, as evident by my picks in the upper left logo, I am hitting .500, which would actually make me a God in the sport of baseball. Anyhoo, don't look at my lack of updates as an abusive thing. Try to be more positive about it. To paraphrase Carole King, 'He updated (and it felt like a kiss).' Moving on…

I decided to write this update about Stephen Colbert and his book I Am America (And So Can You!). The main point I want to get across is that this book is fantastic. I whole-heartedly urge you to go buy it at this very moment and go read it (And don't borrow it from the library. Remember: no free rides). Contained in those 240 pages is a literary marvel that cannot be described. Every page is worth its weight in gold in terms of comedic brilliance. If you are a fan of laughing, or even feeling good about yourself, then I would recommend you pick up a copy from your local bookstore (except Powell's for obvious reasons).

Also, correlating perfectly with the release of his book is the fact that Stephen Colbert is running for president. He announced it on his show after appearing on 'The Daily Show' in the first time in almost two years. The appearance proved to be mirthful, and many yucks were to be had.

In conclusion, I am a big proponent of anything that involves 'The Daily Show' or Stephen Colbert. I am also a big proponent of comedy and books. I am also still waiting for that update from Beck that he promised two weeks ago. Also: Go Rockies!

All I have to say is: Finally. Yesterday, someone finally put up a Wiki for R. Kelly's masterpiece "Trapped In The Closet." I know that ever since I first saw "Trapped In The Closet" (here's the YouTube of Chapters 1-5, but you should really get out and buy the two [UNRATED!!!] collections from Amazon or wherever as soon as possible, because the bonus features are off the hook. I know. It was all I asked for for my birthday, other than a tingler [not as dirty as it sounds].)

What Real Wikipedia has to say about Trapped In The Closet is this:

"Trapped in the Closet" is a series of songs released by R&B singer R. Kelly in the late summer of 2005. The songs relate an ongoing narrative, which Kelly exploited by sending chapters to radio stations one at a time to generate interest. It has no chorus and is told in a conversational manner, using dramatics and cliffhangers between the episodes. It tells the story of how a one night stand can set off a chain reaction of events that reveal a web of lies and deception. (continued)

While I appreciate some of the colorful language used here ("web of lies and deception" is the highlight here, obviously), the entry leaves me wanting more, asking more questions than I have answers for. Plus, the stark and simple HTML and CSS coding Real Wikipedia calls "standard" is just not up to R. Kelly's much higher, much blingier needs.

Long nights have I wasted, lying awake, wishing there was an Internet forum that gave justice to what might be the greatest poetical, musical and cinematic masterpiece of our generation.

Until now.

Highlights from the Official Trapped In The Closet Wiki Include:

• An extensive chapter guide, which not only gives profiles for the leading characters in each chapter, but also provides superlatives for each chapter (for instance, "biggest brawl," "biggest drama," and "biggest 'Oh hell no' moment." For chapter one, the biggest 'Oh hell no' moment was when "Sylvester disvoicers [sic] he's on the 5th floor and can't get thru the window," according to the site.)
• A place where you, too, can get an account and contribute to the ongoing debates and debacles surrounding the show.
• Lots of polls, where fans can debate some of the more cryptic moments in the hip-hopera (For example: "What do you think is in the package discussed in Chapter 22?" I'm not going to tell you what I voted for, as I don't want to influence your own vote, so don't even TRY to ask me.)
• Lots of hot pictures of R. Kelly looking upset about stuff.
• Character guides and Best Of moments.

(For the record: Weird Al's parody, "Trapped In The Drive-Thru" is not as good. But give him a few sequels [and a non-animated video] and it might just be another "Albuquerque" in the making.)

The last name Potter is a fairly common name that is used by many individuals in our society. From my favorite movie villain Henry F. Potter (Merry Christmas to you…in jail!) to Portland's own mayor Tom Potter (Merry Christmas to you… after we form a committee on the issue!). Well, there is not a better-known Potter than one Harry Potter. I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with one Harry Potter, and I fully admit that it's nobody's fault but mine. You see, back in the 8^th grade, I received the first three Harry Potter books, with the added bonus that they were the UK editions. As any fan knows, the UK editions are different in that they have different artwork, the original British slang and spellings left intact, and in the case of the first book a different title altogether (because Americans are dense). This means that the first three books are all that I have read in the series, since I have not received any other UK editions. I have pretty much been forbidden from reading any of the other editions, and I feel as though I am missing out on this cultural experience. I should have just bought all the books off amazon.co.uk. Hindsight is 20/20. I do love Harry Potter though – it gets all those little bastard children to read, and it promotes witchcraft to them. It also pisses off people in Georgia. Good ol' book burnings are few and far between nowadays.

In any event, at the request of Dan, you can download the torrent of the stolen book here. (Thanks Sophie)

Also, if you are big fan of endings and conclusions, but tired of the reading that is generally required; here is a page of spoilers for Harry Potter 7. Keep in mind that these are spoilers, so enjoy at your own risk. Also I have no idea if they are true or not. It's just a warning to y'all.