Earlier this week I found myself with a hodgepodge of ingredients. Leftover tomatoes from making tomato soup. Hoagie buns from a work-related event. Aging cheddar from a bout with grilled cheese sandwiches. I decided it was a great time to make some parmigiana-style sub sandwiches.

To prepare the sauce, I started with a couple pounds of plum tomatoes. I cut out the stems and removed the skin by boiling them for about a minute each. After that, I sauteed onions and whole cloves of garlic in olive oil. Once the onions caramelized, I added my tomato mixture: paste and diced from a can and the fresh, skinless that I just prepared. I let this bubble over a low heat for about two hours.

One of the strengths of this sandwich is the ease of assembly, once the ingredients are prepared. Simply toast the hoagie, lay some warm meat (or meat substitute, as I did) on the bun, add cheese (optional), cover in sauce and top with parmesan cheese. The sandwich is much more visually pleasing if toasted once complete. I put mine in a toaster oven for a few minutes.

Overall, this sandwich was good. I enjoy the experience of mixing leftovers into something interesting. I was disappointed by the tomato & basil pizza burgers. I have purchased these twice and do not like them. They are heavily spiced and infused with mozzarella cheese, which sounds tasty, but ends up feeling out of place. I prefer to add cheese and spices myself. My favorite part about this sandwich was the toasting. It gives the sandwich a great look.

Final score (out of five):

Director Quentin Tarantino is known for creating fake products for his films. Pulp Fiction features the Big Kahuna Burger, a Hawaiian-style hamburger restaurant in Los Angeles. Jules (Samuel L Jackson) samples a Big Kahuna Burger, exclaiming "Mmmm, this is a tasty burger!" The audience begs to know what makes the Big Kahuna Burger so tasty. I was shocked to find that still frames and product mock-ups show a double cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato and pickles on a sesame bun - but no pineapple! The mystery of the Big Kahuna Burger continues; I'll tell you how I made the Real Big Kahuna Burger.

The vital ingredients in this burger are pineapple and pickle. A thick slice of pineapple makes a savory sandwich slightly sweet. I chose thinly sliced bread and butter pickles since they are sweet and tangy. I prefer to keep my burgers vegetarian - at this point you may deviate if you wish. The featured patty is a Morningstar Farms "Grillers Original." Also appearing are sliced tomato and mozzarella. I'm sure cheddar, havarti or swiss would be equally delicious. Rounding out this setup are Heinz ketchup, dijon mustard and a potato bun, which I toasted.

A classic side to the hamburger is fries. These are very easy to make! Wash russet potatoes, slice them until they look like french fries. Skin removal is optional; I went about 50/50. Put them on a baking sheet, drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle with salt, pepper, paprika, onion powder and garlic power. Bake for 45 minutes at 450 degrees.

The greatest strength of the hamburger is its consistency. Short of burning ingredients, it is hard to screw up a home made burger. In my opinion, if you pay attention to having crispy vegetables, cheese and a hot patty, you are in for a winner. My Big Kahuna Burger was a great success. The pineapple introduces unique flavor to the sandwich. I found the mozzarella to be a great choice for cheese; it is mild and has complementary texture. I would like to thank Quentin Tarantino for giving me this idea. Hopefully a future film will reveal the truth about the Big Kahuna Burger.

Final score (out of five):

I recently embarked on an epic bicycle excursion to purchase some dried goods at my country store. After returning (and avoiding numerous collisions with motor traffic and pedestrians) I found myself famished to the point of exhaustion. I needed a hearty (vegetarian) manwich before I could even consider tackling the rest of the day. Continue to the next paragraph to see what I mean.

Time to break down the ingredients to this delicious sandwich. Sometimes it is difficult to come up with good meat alternatives for a non-traditional sandwich. If you agree with this sentence, check out Field Roast's Celebration Roast, a vegan grain roast that is very tasty and dense. Though I made this sandwich outside of the 'brunch' window, I decided to include two fried eggs. Adding fried eggs to a sandwich like this pushes it from great to outlandish. Next, a few slices of sharp cheddar cheese. I wrapped things up with some thick-sliced 10-grain bread fresh from my bread machine.

Summary of preparation: slice the Celebration Roast, rub with olive oil and bake for 10-15 minutes. Fry the eggs to your liking. Toast the bread to your liking. Slice the cheese to your liking. This can be a good time to reflect on your day, center your chi and think about fighting the good fight. Add desired condiments (mayonnaise, mustard, relish, horseradish, etc.) and pile everything on.

I designed this sandwich to let people know that I still have what it takes to rock the house (and do the right thing in a topsy-turvy world that challenges our faith every day). This sandwich is worth about 900 calories, 60 grams of protein and 40 grams of fat (though less than 20 of it is saturated). This is the perfect sandwich to encourage growth of your 'winter coat,' ensuring comfort during long walks with your loved ones during the holiday season.

You've waited long enough for my conclusion, so here we go. This sandwich was delicious. Everything came together wonderfully. Though not the prettiest sandwich I've ever made, it made up for it in character. After consuming it I felt refreshed, recharged and ready to do many difficult physics problems (results may vary, talk to your doctor/academic adviser if you are considering this sandwich). Highly recommended.
Final score (out of five):

All around the country people are throwing out their various peanut butter products after many of them tested positive for salmonella. Government officials have said that tainted peanut butter from a Georgia plant is responsible for the outbreak. Now that consumers are avoiding all peanut butter products, peanut farmers are not getting renewed contracts for peanut futures, and the commodity has plunged in trading in recent days. This has no doubt been of great concern to Jimmy Carter, our most underrated president. The picture in this particular news article displays some of the recalled peanut butter products made by Kellogg's, which for the most part are fantastic. The only exception is the cheese & peanut butter product, which is an abortion of nature. The chocolatey peanut butter crackers look awesome though.

This brings me to my next point: we are not living in a world of men. So what if your peanut butter has a little bit of salmonella? You paid for it.  Think of it as a bonus. In fact, you are getting a little bit more than you thought you would be in the first place. I don't usually eat any of those peanut butter products featured in the article, but I do eat a lot of Adam's Peanut Butter, the finest goober-based spread known to man. If they recalled that, I wouldn't care. I paid for it, and I am damn sure going to eat it. I'm not afraid of any salmonella. As George W. Bush said to the insurgents, "Bring It On." So why don't you grow a pair and eat some? It might be strange that an illness that is generally contained within chicken eggs has somehow contaminated a legume, but you know what? It is just part of the rich pageantry that we called the American food system.

The double layer peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Note: this sandwich review was meant for publication nearly two months ago. I deemed it necessary to see how history would judge this sandwich. History, of course, kicks ass, but it was no match for this sandwich. It is just as awesome today as it was when I first made it. Dear reader, why don't you continue and see what I mean? (Shout out to my ladies and Garrett)

The temple of ingredients. A long time ago I was a big fan of raspberry jelly. These days, you will most often find me combining my peanut butter with blackberry jelly. I prefer blackberry jelly because it is less viscous and slightly less sweet than raspberry. When I found out that my local market didn't carry said jelly, I decided to give raspberry a try. As far as peanut butter, I like any brand that is crunchy, natural and oily (just like my women); this one fits.

I'd like to get past the ingredients and focus on what makes this sandwich an animal: two freakin' layers of filling. I'll be conservative and say that I am the first person to ever make a double layer PB&J. When I pulled this concept out of thin air, it made a huge amount of sense - it was a moment of complete clarity. This sandwich would be more filling than a normal-sized PB&J and also have a higher ratio of condiment to bread. It would still be portable and easy to handle, yet pack that extra punch that the American worker demands. All of these upgrades to the standard PB&J foreshadowed absolute success in this project.

This sandwich was delicious. Everything that should have gone right went right, while everything that could have gone wrong was so scared of my violent temper that nothing reared its head. Rest assured, I recommend this sandwich to all peanut butter and jelly enthusiasts across the world. This sandwich gets five stars because it pushes PB&J to a new level, and I made it happen. The real hero here is obviously me, which is why I am giving myself five stars. I pulled this off like a pro and I deserve some recognition. Until next time, Sir Beck out.

 Final score (out of five): 

Personal evaluation (out of five):

Most of you never thought this day would come. I'm back. Sandwiches are back. Tuna is back. Do you think it's a coincidence that Beck is so close to Back? All of you can go to hell, I was born with that name for a reason - so I could eventually come back. Well here it is. Today I bring you my first sandwich review in two years.

I will be honest with you, dear Reader - today's sandwich is different. I'm not using relish. The mayonnaise I'm using is real. The mustard has some horseradish in it. And I'm adding chopped celery and salt and pepper. Rest easy, I have not changed my bread -  I'm still using wheat. I have also been conservative with my choice of cut - straight down the middle. I don't think any of these changes are radical, though they will surely determine the deliciousness of this sandwich. Let's move on.

My first bite into this sandwich was pure bliss. The tuna maintains its delicate flavor wonderfully amongst so many other ingredients. The celery provides for an extra crunch that gives this sandwich a lot of extra points. I am quite happy with my decision to cut this sandwich down the middle. This single cut made the sandwich very structurally sound, which was important to me as I planned on bringing the sandwich to work in a bag. I am slightly disappointed that I was not able to taste more of the mustard. I was really looking for a little bit of spice in this sandwich and the condiments fell short.

Final score (out of five):