It feels like déjà vu, and not because I've started crying at random intervals during the day again, but because once again it is Black Love Day, or BLD. If you are a loyal reader of this site, you have no doubt heard me discuss at length about how awesome Black Love Day is. Here is a new article discussing the tenets of BLD. I personally love point number two:

To demonstrate love in action and service by performing at least five (5) specific loving acts - Love for the Creator, love for self, love for the family, love for the community, and love for the Black race.

Talk about a difficult demand – I believe that five acts of self-love is a strenuous order for any day. But who am I to argue the tenets of BLD? BLD is way better than V-Day. Plus, once again, the article points out that BLD is not something for African-Americans only, but for all people. So there is no need to experience any liberal guilt in celebrating this joyous holiday.

Am I forgetting something?

Oh, right.

Yes indeed, I am a creature of habit. And crazy.

Reporting from the ivory tower, Beck shows you what New York is interested in this week (what you'll be interested in, in a few months). Take note! Impress your friends! Maximum yuks guaranteed!

Though I do not often involve myself with bacon, I appreciate its various novelties: a fat-to-meat ratio without equal, extremely useful grease and unmatched taste. Enthusiasm for bacon is widespread. You can make your own bacon! You can season any food with bacon! You can make a burning man out of bacon! Because bacon wasn't unhealthy enough before, you can make bacon-stuffed-sausage-stuffed-bacon! The Bacon Explosion is the bacon dish for the 21st century. 5000 calories and 500 grams of fat in each roll; a sandwich with this inside is only about four times worse for you than a burger. Vege soldiers out there - this is the dish to break your vege with. It will be better than sex, up until you start to feel the fat coursing through you. I'm contemplating this for the Super Bowl - maybe you should be too.

Switching directions, the worldwide popularity of curling continues to explode. Since its introduction in the Winter Olympics in 1998, it has occupied the hearts and minds of hundreds! Even Brazil loves it! This week they challenge the United States at the 2009 National Championships in Bismarck, North Dakota. I'm thinking what you're thinking! Ja Brazil we got a curlin team! If the past is any indicator, by 2014 we should be enjoying a pleasant family film juxtaposing the hot Brazilian lifestyle with frigid curling competition. Against some stern Nazis or communists or something from Iceland or Poland or something. Rest in peace John Candy, we really needed you this time. We hope Disney can find a man near your talent and stature to make this film happen.

You might have missed this story in the news cycle, but Joe the Plumber has been hired by a conservative website to become a war correspondent. Joe the Plumber, whose real name is Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, will spend ten days covering the violence in the Middle East, and file video reports with the website. It's good to see that Mr. Wurzelbacher is following through with that dream of his of owning that plumbing business. Phase 1: Go to Israel. Phase 2: ??. Phase 3: Own plumbing business, thus profit. It's foolproof.

There are three things I would like to mention regarding this story. First of all, what kind of name is Wurzelbacher? Joe the Plumber is heralded as this All-American male who is the embodiment of our goals and ambitions, but hampered by big government. However, Wurzelbacher sounds awfully foreign-sounding to me; and you know how we feel about foreigners in this country. Why couldn't we find a plumber with a more American-sounding name? Like Harry Smith, Robert Brown, or Flagwaverty BaldEagleton? Secondly, I kind of like having Joe the Plumber working in journalism for the sole reason that there is some laid-off guy from the Chicago Tribune who is silently weeping, forced to console himself with a fifth of Jack Daniels. Thirdly, Joe the Plumber working in journalism continues the proud American tradition of working in jobs that one is in no way qualified to perform. Who needs a fancy education or training? Journalism school only gets you bogged down in "details" and "ethics" that are no match for heartland values. In fact, I hope after this ten-day stint as a journalist that Joe the Plumber tries his hand at being a doctor, lawyer, or engineer. You don't learn any useful procedures or knowledge in medical school anyway. A high school-educated American male with an oversized wrench could easily execute open-heart surgery just as well as a knowledgeable doctor with a scalpel. Quit being so elitist. 

For a number of years educators have tried their hardest to make mathematics an entertaining and exciting field of study for students. However, it has always been for naught as the average student finds mathematics dull and uninteresting. Often times in middle and high school a divergence emerges where women decide not to pursue mathematics and science. Typically at higher levels of education men make up the majority of these subjects. Now, I am in no way qualified to weigh in regarding why these differences exist. I leave that sort of intellectual discussion to other websites. What I am qualified to weigh in on is mathematics, which I will do with great aplomb.

Recently on the MSN.com, my homepage that has remained the same for nine years due to my OCPD hang-ups, there was a story about a former child star that is trying to make math sexy. Now, even before I read the article I knew that it was Danica McKellar, famous for playing Winnie Cooper on The Wonder Years. I knew this because I am a nerd, a mathemagician, and a huge fan of The Wonder Years. She was apparently pimping her book Kiss My Math on the Today Show, home to one of my various enemies. In this book she tries to "teach math using topics like popularity, boys and self-image, and inspire girls with stories of fabulous women in fun careers that use math, showing them that 'smart is sexy.'" Looking at the cover, I can't really tell if it is the actual book or the cover of some magazine promoting the book. Besides the lie that it makes math sexy, it promises you "20 ways to beat stress" along with "do you pick supportive friends? Take this quiz!" I can't really make out the last line on the bottom right, but my guess is that it is something about the Jonas Brothers. She's not so much making math sexy as she is making math dumb.

Now, I am all for more women becoming interested in mathematics. Really, if you've ever seen a college-level advanced math class, it's almost a total sausage-fest. Not totally, but meh – we won't get into that. It's really no good. The point is that math is not sexy in any conceivable way. Math isn't even sexy accidentally, and I'm saying this as a mathematics major. The type of people who find mathematics sexy are the same type of people who play World of Warcraft a lot and go long periods of time without bathing. No one wants to be associated with these people, including me.

In conclusion, math is not sexy in any way. If by chance you become engaged in an argument with someone who strongly believes that math is sexy, then please give them a kick to the junk for me.

We are truly living in a modern pirate renaissance. For years, pirates (and their booty) were considered to be a historical remnant, thus having no influence on the prevailing culture. However, with the advent of the Internet, the term pirate switched over from a swarthy unshaven man with a parrot, eye patch, and a pegged leg, who may or may not have been suffering from scurvy, and who plundered riches, to an underdeveloped unshaven teenager (uhh…) with pasty skin (err…), Cheeto breath, and Mountain Dew, who may or may not have been suffering from social anxiety disorder and who plundered the new Staind album. Now, even that definition has been forced to change after actual pirates have been hijacking ships, taking hostages, and demanding ransoms. Pirates off the coast of Somalia have hijacked a ship carrying a massive amount of oil, and are demanding 10 million dollars in ransom – to be paid in chests filled with gold doubloons. I'm not sure how much oil was actually on this ship, but with the falling price of crude, I can only imagine that the ransom isn't worth it. Besides, what are those pirates going to do with a boatload of oil? They'd probably be forced to sell it at cheaper prices than the Saudis. In any event, all this plundering and stealing gives me hope that the golden age of pirates may yet be upon us.

It seems that the popular culture, at any given moment, latches on to particular object or profession. First it was ninjas – everyone talked about how ninjas flipped out all the time. From ninjas, it progressed into monkeys. Monkey was the standard comedic thing to talk about. After monkeys came zombies. I believe that right now we are still living in the age of the zombie, and will continue to until World War Z hits theaters. Mark my words though; a few months after World War Z comes out pirates will be the new zombies. Who knows what it will be after pirates? I have a few ideas, ranked in order of most likely to occur:

• Clowns
• Mimes
• Octopi
• Platapi

That's really all I got. I'll have to think about this some more at 3 in the morning when I can't sleep and report back to you. 

Generally I am not a fan of lists – usually because they are almost always wrong. I especially feel this way about lists involving music, because people have terrible taste in music, and usually pick the worst possible garbage and pass it of as artistic genius. Luckily, this list isn't about music – it is about cocktails: The 11 Manliest Cocktails In The World to be precise about it. Now I know that I don't know as much about alcohol as say a frat boy, but I do know a little about a lot, and a lot about a little. Keeping that in mind, I generally agree with this list (Too much vermouth in the martini though). The order can be debated, but all the pieces are there. However, two exceptions:

4) Tequila Sunrise. I don't think this is manly at all. Grenadine makes a tequila sunrise slightly pink, and as Joey Ramone once said: "Tanqueray & tonic's my favorite drink. I don't like anything colored pink". Good enough for me.

7) Jagerade. That just sounds disgusting. If something were considered manly because it is gross, then by the same logic, Jagermeister and raw sewage would be even manlier.

Why no Bloody Mary? It's pretty much the manliest way to ingest vegetables – with booze! Also this list is useless without gin and tonic. Just sayin'.

Considering the recent wealth of posts referencing "What You Like as a White Person" (and by wealth I mean two), I figure it's time to weigh in with a little love for my own people. Without further ado, Burson Productions presents: What You Like as a Polack: 

1. Macrobrews It is a known fact that Polacks sweat Budweiser. After a hard day in the mines or on the docks, ducking into a local watering hole for a shot and a beer (known worldwide as the 'working man') is a sacred ritual. Particularly in the Pacific Northwest, beer is increasingly thought of as some alchemistic brew involving exotic hops, hard-to-find malts and bizarre fruit flavorings. The Polack on the other hand sticks to his father's and grandfather's beers--Budweiser, Miller, Pabst, Coors, Old Milwaukee and the like. 
2. Vodka We invented it, and we still drink it by the gallon. While the Polack may sweat Bud, he bleeds Luksusowa, Pravda and Belvedere. Potato vodka (Luksusowa) is preferable, but grain vodka (Pravda and Belvedere) will do in a pinch. Russian vodka (Smirnoff, etc.) is to be avoided.
3. Vodka It's worth saying again. 
4. American Cars ca. 1920-1980 We mined the iron and coal, milled the steel and assembled the frames, engines and bodies of these gas-guzzling behemoths, and we're fucking well proud of it. Driving a foreign car in the Polish neighborhoods of South Detroit is grounds for a beat-down. Wait, I drive a Volvo... whoops. 
5. Pope John Paul II Better known in Polish communities as Karol Wojtyla (Vozh-tee-wah), Polack extraordinaire. Every respectable Polish household will have, at the very least, a bust of JPII displayed in a place of great prominence. My father's church (Mt. Caramel Catholic Church) has a 20-foot high statue of him in the courtyard, and this is as it should be. 
6. Hatred of Germany/Russia Maybe its the centuries of oppression, slavery and genocide, but most Polacks have a bone to pick with these two nations. Germany is a little more clear-cut--the whole Holocaust thing is kind of/sort of a prominent event that left five million Poles dead (three million Polish Jews and two million Polish Catholics), and there's volumes of atrocities beyond that. Russia is a little trickier; though Tsarist Russia/The USSR was responsible for the deaths of millions of Poles, they're Slavs too, and pure hatred gets a little difficult. After all, we were a part of Russia once... or twice. Or more. 
7. Military Service This is just as inexplicable to me as it is to you. 
8. Silence/Stoicism 'Nuff said 
9. Kielbasa Along with beer and vodka, kielbasa (kee-ohw-basah) forms the Trinity that is the Polack. This flavorful, mildly spicy sausage is the backbone of many traditional dishes, from bigos to pierogi filling, and fresh-ground kielbasa is enjoyed by Polacks the world over. Don't be fooled by Hillshire Farms or John Morrell, that shit will cause a true Polack to choke to an agonizing death. 
10. Cigarettes Yes, they may be part of the reason why Polacks live 20 years less than the rest of you, but fuck if they don't enjoy them. 
11. Argumentation There's a saying: "Four Polacks, six opinions." Polacks love to argue about everything, and if any of them are reading this list, they will probably dispute each and every entry. Polacks are unique in the way they dispute points that they themselves believe, not because of some 'devil's advocate' mentality, but because they genuinely love to argue. This is possibly a factor in why Poland is a third-rate industrial economy with the highest unemployment in the EU. Following is a list of things that Polacks enjoy, but Burson was too lazy to write something for: 
12. Weapons Trafficking. 
13. Vodka. 
14. Ice Hockey. 
15. Extreme Nationalism. 
16. Homophobia. 
17. Union Labor.

Hopefully this serves as a basic reference for those of you attempting to understand the Polack; while he may be white, he is far from WASP, and thus may not be covered by the aforementioned list. Na Zdrowie!

Valentine's Day is half-over, but you don't think I would forget, no? See, longtime readers will remember a tradition that I keep. It's a tradition that dates back to at least February of 2002 (at least that is what the timestamp says). I have no idea where I got it, and I have since yet to find it again. However, I've kept it all these years, and I break it out around this time. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the crazy for you heart:

I'm pretty sure the reason why this image is so disturbing is because the heart doesn't have any lips, and also its sinister wink. Fantastic! In all honesty, I despise Valentine's Day, or simply V-Day. All it does is bring misery and pain and one's relief can only be found at the bottom of an 8-Ball. That being said there is one holiday around this time of year that I truly do love. Everyone who knows me knows my penchant for black things. Like I always say, I like my wardrobe like I like my coffee like I like my men – all black (as a side note, I have six likes in one sentence, a new record!). Therefore, it should come as no surprise that I am a huge fan of Black Love Day, which occurred on February 13th. Black Love Day is an African-American version of V-Day, which teaches spiritual goals of healthy relationships through:

1. Black self-love instead of self-hatred.
2. Racial healing to stop White supremacy/racism.
3. Increasing peace to stop violence.

I don't know about you, but I am all about the black self-love. According to the article, everyone, including me, can celebrate Black Love Day. In all honesty, everyone knows that the black version of a white thing is always better (with the sole exception of the remake of Back To School staring one Cedric The Entertainer, who in no way lives up to his name). This is why I prefer Black Love Day, Kwanza, and Black History Month to the traditionally white holidays of Valentine's Day, Christmas, and Caucasian History Year (minus February). In conclusion, black power!

Some people spend their Friday nights hanging out with friends. Other people spend their time on a hot date. I do neither of these things – I spend my Friday nights blogging about O.J. Simpson. I want to preface this post by saying that during the heyday of the O.J. Simpson trial, that I wasn't really culturally conscience of its importance. The memories I have of the ordeal are spotty at best. I remember when the news broke of the double murder. I remember the white Bronco chase. I also remember the televised court trial that was at noon on the WB. However, I do not remember the acquittal, or the events following. Therefore, perhaps I'm not the best judge of the publics' outcry over the entire O.J. debacle – I just don't understand the entire fascination with it. Of course, O.J. is a celebrity, and therefore I care, but I don't understand the entire fascination of O.J.'s condemnation.

It has been well documented that I have no soul, but I just don't understand the big deal about O.J. is. Sure, it's likely that he killed two people. So what? People get killed all the time. Millions of people everywhere. To be fair, the vast majority of those aren't white, but I'm just sayin'. Plus, just look deep inside – and be really honest with yourself: if you could get away with killing two people, wouldn't you do it? There are a lot of people who need killin' in this world, and you know it. Don't be all high and mighty. Just think to back in the day. You know what I'm talking about. There were busloads of people you knew that needed killin'. Testify!

Plus, O.J. has contributed so much to the culture. The man played for the Buffalo Bills. He was in all four of the 'Naked Gun' movies. He is one of the greatest actors of our generation. The man was in 'Roots' for crying out loud. All he wanted in return was for you, the public, to look the other way when he got all stabby. It would have been a small price to pay if you ask me. Would you stop Michelangelo from painting the Sistine Chapel if he got all murdery? Of course you wouldn't, because he was in the middle of a masterpiece. Who knows what O.J. could have done if he was able to continue his acting career. He could have played Bubba Blue in Forrest Gump, or Rod Tidwell in Jerry Maguire.

O.J. got off fair and square during his criminal trial. Thus, the civil trial was complete bupkis. As George Carlin said, O.J. got off; he should be allowed to enjoy his freedom without any financial obligations. Now the man was just trying to get his stuff back, and he's facing more problems – problems that he shouldn't be facing because his stuff should have never been taken from him in the first place. If there were a picture of you with J. Edgar Hoover, then you would want that back too.

In conclusion, give O.J. a break. He was in a movie with Steve McQueen and Paul Newman. That's pretty much like diplomatic immunity as far as I'm concerned. As Kanye West said at the MTV awards, "Give a black man a break".

News today broke that Osama Bin Laden has released a new video. I for one have mixed feelings about this. This is Bin Laden's first release since October of 2004, and he is coming off his last successful release of "Death To America," which included the hit single 'The Great Satan'. Plus, with Saddam gone, he is arguably the most recognized face of Islam-o-Rock. However, there are three major issues I have with this release: 

1. You can't go releasing new tapes on a Friday. That is when the media cycle is winding down for the weekend. If you want maximum exposure for your record, then you have got to release it early in the week. Major mistake there. His press people should have known better.
2. You also have got to promote the thing. Maybe a press release? Or some telephone interviews? You've got to whore. People can't hear your release unless they know about it.
3. It was a terrible idea to release your video on the same week as the big 50 Cent/Kanye West showdown. That is already a major event between two proven marketable rap titans that promises to influence record sales. You're jumping into a melee. I would have recommended that you either released it earlier this week, or just waited until the week after when the smoke clears from the aforementioned battle. I surely hope that he fires someone over this. It is inexcusable.

There are several positives to say about Bin Laden's release. According to the transcript, he has started his own book recommendations, which is important if you want to extend a brand name. He also is a proponent of reinventing himself, as is shown with the newly dyed beard. Perhaps extend that product line; maybe even a Just For Men promotion?

If he has any chance of matching the success of his previous releases, then Bin Laden should have realized that he needed something extra. How about a duet with Whitney Houston? She's not doing anything, and we already know that cupid's arrow struck one of them. What about Justin Timberlake? It doesn't hurt a career to team up with the face of pop music. Maybe there could be some sort of iTunes exclusive?

All in all, it should provide an interesting week for the charts. Will 50 Cent be forced out of The Game, or will he match his previous success? Or will 'Death To America' be the hit? Only time will tell.