Here are some words that really tickle my fancy: scandal, corruption, imbroglio, and outrage. Like any red-blooded American, I love a good scandal that results in hurt feelings, violations of trust, and investigations. Recently, the mayor of Portland, Sam Adams, admitted to a liaison with an 18-year-old legislative intern in 2005 and lied to cover it up. Despite the fact that no actual crime had taken place, there were calls for his resignation. If I am correct, 18 is the age of consent, where one is considered an adult who is capable of making important decisions. Also, I don't believe lying is a crime either. All politicians lie through their teeth. In fact, Barack Obama even lies, and he has a 68% approval rating. However, I am not here to discuss the morality of any sort of tawdry affair involving a 40-something mayor and an 18-year-old – I am here to lay out the facts in a humorous manner.
First of all, I would be disappointed if Sam Adams wasn't having sexual escapades with young men. If I were a hot gay mayor of a top-25 city, I would be putting it to all sorts of people. What is the point of power if one cannot wield it? Second of all, what people fail to realize is that a satisfied mayor is a productive mayor. Every moment that the mayor isn't trying to get his rocks off is a moment that he can fix the potholes in our roads. Think of all the progress humans could have made if they weren't so sexually frustrated. Thirdly, the young man's name is this affair is named Beau Breedlove. At first I had my doubts that this was his real name, as it already sounds as if he's a porn star. Plus, judging from the pictures of Breedlove featured on Gawker, I would also say frat boy male model. Fourthly, there is a shirt that is being sold that has a picture of the state of Oregon with the caption "Where you only have to be 18 to enjoy a Sam Adams!" This is a fantastic shirt, and I must admit that I LOLed as the kids say. I don't know if it has already been created, but there should be a shirt that has a picture of Breedlove with the caption "Always a good decision!" You know, because it would be funny. Fifthly, if Mayor Adams does succumb to the pressure to resign, he could always try his hand (or some other appendage) in the porn industry with Mr. Beedlove. I came up with some names that might work given the nature of this scandal:
Mayorial Erection
City Council Meating
Legislative Internal
I should be sending these suggestions off to Larry Flynt. No need to thank me, it's what I do.
Yesterday our nation witnessed the transfer of power from one president to another. I, like many Americans, was happy to see that the Today Show was forced to interrupt its regular broadcasting of my various enemies to carry live coverage of the inauguration. I made some notes while witnessing the tedious wankery that was America celebrating itself.
Rick Warren: I know that there was a little brouhaha regarding the choice of this particular pastor, but I didn't really care. I view all religious leaders negatively. One thing I did care about was the fact that in his speech Mr. Warren said that this was the 44th time that there has been a peaceful transfer of power. I don't think that this is correct. This is the 43rd transfer of power. George Washington didn't really get his power transferred to him, at least not in the traditional sense. Plus, the reason why he had power originally transferred to him was not for peaceful reasons – it was because of Shays' Rebellion. Also, for a preacher that seems to hate the gays a lot, being the reverend for the Saddleback Church sounds awfully strange. Perhaps that's the way he likes it: saddleback.
They showed scenes from around the globe of people watching the inauguration. I noticed that the base camp in Iraq for the American military forces is simply entitled 'Camp Victory'. I like how there is no subtlety in America's choice of names. It's always 'Operation Enduring Freedom' or 'Operation Iraqi Freedom' or 'Shock & Awe'. Why no 'Operation Temporary Freedom' or 'Camp Despair'?
Goddamn the music and festivities suck for the inauguration. Does anyone really care about a Nobel poet laureate reading some crap? Or the Marine Singing Choir performing God bless America? It needs to stop. If I were president, I'd demand that Aerosmith play my inauguration and that Jon Stewart would read something witty. Of course, I could never be president, because I have too many skeletons in my closet. Literal skeletons. I like to kill hobos. Err, yeah.
Quit saying that this is an historic moment. It's a historic moment. The letter H is not a vowel. Stop treating it like one. I know I'm no beacon for grammatical or spelling literacy, but c'mon. If even I understand this convention, then surely someone who went to journalism school would. And don't try to start that jive about how it is correct now. Repeating the same mistake over and over again doesn't make it any less wrong; it makes you an idiot.
Why didn't George W. Bush pardon anyone good in the last hours of his presidency? Talk about going out with a whimper. If I had been president, which I won't be (see previous comment about the hobos), then I would pardon all sorts of neat people. Charles Manson, O.J. Simpson, and Richard Ramirez to name a few. I think it would be fun to let them out into the public and see what would happen. Besides, two of those aforementioned people never actually killed anyone in the eyes of the law.
That's pretty much it. It may sound kind of crazy, but I already miss George W. Bush. He was much like a retarded puppy. Sure he urinated all over the rug and chewed up all the furniture (or ruined the country), but he was so adorable one couldn't stay mad at him. Now I begin the process of watching the hope and optimism fade from the eyes of liberals when they realize that Barack Obama is no different than any other regular politician – only that his mellifluent and dulcet tones makes the lies he tells sound fantastic.
What a week, huh? I can say with confidence that this will be my last political topic for a while, unless a congressman happens to take out his junk and wave it around tomorrow. Though the election of the first African-American president has pretty much dominated the headlines for the last week, there are still plenty of other measures that got approved or rejected that have earned my ire. Here is what is pissing me off now:
Oregon Measure 65 – What is wrong with you people? Why would you possibly vote no on this? And it wasn't even close – it got slaughtered. The idea that you have to be a member of a certain political party in order to vote in the primary inherently makes sense, since it prevents ne'er-do-wells from fouling things up, but in reality it's crap. One should be able to vote in the Democratic primary without having the shame of being registered as a Democrat. Damn you Oregon voters!
California Proposition 8 – On the very same day that African-Americans saw their very own be elected to the highest office in the land, thereby symbolically ending the inherent discrimination in the system that has plagued our nation since the very beginning, African-Americans decided to prolong the discrimination against another minority by voting for the proposition that bans gay marriage by a ratio of almost 7 to 3. Once a minority has overcome the shackles of oppression, they are all too eager to force those same shackles on someone else. God bless America!
San Francisco Measure K – Shame on the voters of San Francisco for rejecting the measure that would legalize prostitution. This was the one chance for the profession of pimp to not only be cool, but to also be legally recognized as an acceptable job in the eyes of the law. It also ruined the chance for Alcatraz to become some sort of Prostitution Island, and it prevented Fisherman's Wharf from being called Fisherman's Whorf. I'm not really sure what a whorf is – maybe a whorish milf?!
That's about it for my ire. I've got to pace myself; otherwise all my hate will be gone and I'll just be left with good feelings and hope. I was pleased to see that Senator Ted Stevens was reelected (unless something drastic happens). I firmly believe that we should let the voters decide who should represent them in Washington, not some judge. Corruption isn't a real crime anyway – the man just loved free stuff. Who doesn't love free stuff? New Seasons doesn't corrupt me when I get free samples – they make a pleasurable shopping experience. The oil companies were just making a pleasurable legislative experience for Sen. Stevens. Damn justice system. It still pains me that Oregon's Senator Bob Packwood was forced to resign because he harassed a few skirts. The voters weren't even afforded a choice in the matter. What do you expect? His last name was Packwood. In any event, I was a little confused about North Carolina – I wasn't paying that close attention, but apparently they voted Elizabeth Dole out and replaced her with Ray Nagin, except he is a chick now. And I thought he was busy creating a chocolate city, not a chocolate state.
With a new president running the country in a mere two months, I have to say that I'm going to miss George W. Bush. I really am. No single president has given us so much comedic grist as W. has. If Barack Obama's first press conference is any indication, this is going to be a long 4/8 years in terms of comedy. Sure, we'll have a competent president, that American's can be proud of, but where is the amusement? Cracks about Nancy Reagan's séances aren't really all that amusing, and calling yourself a mutt isn't funny at all. Bush talked about OB/GYN's and their love of women. His fixation of clearing brush on his ranch was an endless source of delight for America. He taught us not to forget Poland, and that there was not just one, but a series of Internets which one could spread rumors. He taught us he's used the Google, and dare I say, he taught us to love once again. We begin the long slow painful goodbye now.
I'm your top prime cut of meat, I'm your choice, I wanna be elected, I'm your yankee doodle dandy in a gold Rolls Royce, I wanna be elected, Kids want a saviour, don't need a fake, I wanna be elected, We're all gonna rock to the rules that I make, I wanna be elected, elected, elected.
I never lied to you, I've always been cool, I wanna be elected, I gotta get the vote, and I told you 'bout school, I wanna be elected, elected, elected, Hallelujah, I wanna be selected, Everyone in the United States of America.
We're gonna win this one, take the country by storm, We're gonna be elected, You and me together, young and strong, We're gonna be elected, elected, elected, Respected, selected, call collected, I wanna be elected, elected.
We are a mere day away from the election, and I for one could not be happier. Well, I could, but that would require the aid of drugs and therapy. Ah ha ha! Moving on, it seems like this election has been going on and on forever. Is anyone really undecided anymore? I don't know anyone who says, "Gee, John McCain and Barack Obama just seem so similar. I can't tell them apart. I just can't decide who to vote for." I have my suspicious that these people don't actually exist, and if they do, don't have an IQ above room temperature and are not going to vote anyway.
Both candidates are spending an inordinate amount of time in states that no one really likes, which are filled with the dumbest of Americans. I know this because if they had any smarts, they would have moved away to a better state long ago. C'mon, Ohio? Why would anyone want to live there? Despite rumors, Cleveland never has, and won't ever rock. Speaking of Cleveland, why is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame even located in Cleveland? I can't think of a less rocking city. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has repeatedly left off many influential musical groups - all the while inducting crap - and is an embarrassment to the rock genre. Furthermore, the entire concept of a hall of fame of rock goes against what rock stands for. If there has to be one, then it should be located in England, where the majority of truly groundbreaking and revolutionary music was created, not Ohio, out of which nothing good has come. So screw Ohio. That state can eat a dick.
Anyway, I tend to think that I am fairly knowledgeable politically – I know how the system works. However, I don't really understand why candidates campaign and hold rallies in these so called swing states. I think it is safe to say that when Barack Obama holds a rally in Canton, almost all of the people attending said rally are already supporters of Obama, unless you're some 'Joe the Plumber' douchebag. So, net gain of votes: zero. On the same side, I don't think there is anyone who says, "Wow, John McCain is visiting our state again. I guess I'm going to vote for him." That guy is going to vote for John McCain anyway – I don't think repeated visits for either candidate is going to change that. I really think that if both candidates just sat around, the vote tallies would be the same.
Probably only one more politics posting, and then I will resume my traditional repertoire of clowns and boobs.
In this political cycle, I've always tried to share with you, the reader, different angles in which one can view the candidates for president. Luckily, I have one more area in which we can view these contenders for the highest office in the land. I had the distinct pleasure (or displeasure) of reading an issue of Family Circle, which allowed one to vote for the best baked food from each of the potential first ladies, plus Bill Clinton. The contenders were as follows: Bill Clinton's Oatmeal Cookies, Cindy McCain's Oatmeal-Butterscotch Cookies, or Michelle Obama's Shortbread Cookies. I don't think I have to tell you that Bill Clinton's recipe was the best – it goes without saying. First of all, Cindy McCain's recipe was stolen from the Hershey's website. Secondly, this alleged family recipe has butterscotch in it, which means that unless you are over the age of 60 you're probably not going to enjoy them. Perhaps she should just stick to Werther's Originals.
Then we come to Michelle Obama's recipe – her family's shortbread cookies. First of all, they are not cookies; they are baked in a pan and then cut into squares – they are clearly bars. A brownie would not be considered a cookie, and nor would these things that Michelle is trying to pawn off as cookies. Second of all, look at the ingredients list for these "cookies": Amaretto? Orange AND lemon zest? Cake flour? These are clearly elitist ingredients, or the worst-case scenario, secret Muslim ingredients. No, I will not have it. Not in my America.
Finally, we come to Bill Clinton's submission: good old-fashioned American oatmeal cookies. These cookies are fantastic. They make the other entries look like human waste. In any event, Bill Clinton might win this battle of the cookies, but sadly he will never be the first ladies-man.
If we were to take into account all the first ladies baked goods, Hillary Clinton would easily win, and I'm not just saying that because I find her slightly alluring. I've honestly never have had better chocolate chip cookies. Her cookies are truly the finest baked confectionary known to man, and they are also a fine aphrodisiac. They are what make Bill so horny.
I’m sure you have all read about how former press secretary Scott McClellan is releasing a book about how President Bush has messed up everything he has ever touched, and how everyone in his administration is either a liar, evil, or just incompetent. It’s tiring just to talk about. In fact, I yawned and felt physically weaker just by writing the previous sentences. No one really even cares about this book; no one is going to read it and few people are going to buy it. Scott McClellan should have written this book years ago when someone might have cared. You all remember Scott McClellan, don’t you? He was the press secretary who was before the talk show host with the cancer but before the guy who was orange? It was during the dark time when White House Press Secretaries all sucked – not like now when they are all hot and blonde. The fact of the matter is unless President Bush is chest bumping someone, or perhaps offering free tickets to the gun show, I’m probably not going to care all that much.
As a side note, Scott McClellan is going to be on The Daily Show tonight. It should serve as an excellent reminder to google more pictures of Dana Perino. That is all.
Steve Novick had the best concession speech that marked the end of his campaign, at least if the Portland Mercury's election blog is to be believed: (Edit: Here is the speech from the YouTubes)
"Well, my friends, we thought we were gonna stick it to the man, but in the end, as usual, the man stuck it to us. But for a while there…" [massive cheer…] "for a while there it looked like we had the man on the run and on the ropes," he said. "In many ways the last few weeks of this campaign has reminded me of the last scene in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," he said. "A couple of outlaws against the entire Bolivian army. But now the movie's over, and we need to get behind Jeff Merkley for the US Senate."
That speech is pretty great, and also really depressing. I feel as though that Novick and I are cut from the same cloth, except I'm not 4'9" or have a metal hook for a hand. However, I can certainly commiserate when it comes to The Man. No one is ever able to stick it to The Man. The Man is always the one who deliveries the stickings. He also is never on the run, or on the ropes. It just appears that way so when The Man ends up sticking it to you, it makes it all the worse. Wow, I just kind of got depressed there. I think I'm going to go cut myself.
7:02pm – I don't know what is sadder; the fact that you are reader this site, or that fact that I'm writing this live. In any event, CNN is boring right now, and I am hungry. Therefore, I’m going to eat dinner and watch The Simpsons instead. It’s the one where Homer becomes a boxer. It’s a good one. See you at 7:30pm. 7:32pm – Only 27 minutes left. I feel all tingly. Who knew that Kentucky would be all done by now? Who knew that people in Kentucky were competent enough to vote? 7:39pm – I don't understand by everyone has a hard-on for the heartland. Just because you live in a flyover state doesn't mean your better. I would argue that it would make you worse, because everyone who is smart has moved to somewhere better. And what exactly is an agent of change? When I think of an agent of change I think of those machines at The Safeway that all the coins shoot out at you when you break a dollar. 7:47pm – Why is Anderson Cooper so awesome? I wonder if Anderson Cooper and Alice Cooper are related in anyway. Also, working class voters == racist old people. It needs to be said. 7:55pm – I can't figure out who is the bigger douche: is it Paul Begala or Roland Martin? I think we need to have an old fashioned douche-off. Now CNN is running commercials. Clean coal is the most retarded thing I have ever heard of. There is no such thing as clean coal. Stop saying that there is. 2 minutes left! 8:11pm – Goddamn Kentucky, stealing our thunder. Oregon was supposed to put Obama over the top. Why can't they just stick to drinking themselves blind? Now we are getting the John King magic screen treatment. How sad that Gresham is considered a notable city. I also don't really consider Salem a college town – it's more of a hellhole. In any event, Blitzer is working the beard tonight. 8:21pm – Well, that was anti-climatic. They already called it for Obama. Perhaps more pressing is that Steve Novick is losing his senate race. Clearly democracy doesn't work. Bill Schneider is also kind of a douche. In any event, while watching the phone poll results, I realize that I kind of like living in a state that is well educated and also non-religious. Perhaps a correlation? 8:41pm – Wow, the state of Kentucky is full of racists. I blame the inbreeding. Do you ever wonder how much money that these political commentators make for brilliant observations such as that? When did Carl Bernstein become a Muppet? 8:54pm – Good God almighty. I understand that it's supposed to be all about your education and experience, but don't you think Candy Crowley should perhaps be relegated to CNN Radio? I thought that in this day and age they only gave on-air jobs to beautiful people. Goddamn. It also looks like Larry King's suspenders are on so tight that it is cutting off the circulation to his upper body. Also, isn't a Gergen a type of pickle? 9:05pm – I'm pretty sure that Larry King doesn't know who he is, where he is, or where the strange voices are coming from on his set. In Oregon news, Mike Erickson is beating Mad Man Mannix by 10%. Abortions and cocaine for all! 9:19pm – They are talking about Ted Kennedy like he is already dead. It's pretty amazing about how eloquent and touching the analysts' thoughts are, only to be ruined by Larry King asking the dumbest of questions. He is about as good at interviewing as he is at marriage. 9:30pm – Well, I don't think that I can take anymore of Larry King. He is way too painful to watch. It's at least three different kinds of awkward. Besides, my NyQuil is starting to take its effect. Plus this didn't really go as smoothly as I had hoped. Meh.
Remember how I was lamenting the fact that there isn't enough political strife? Well, here is a story that contains perhaps the best sentence ever: "The hard-fought battle for an open congressional seat has taken a nasty turn." Apparently in an attack letter one Republican, Kevin Mannix, is accusing another, Mike Erickson, of impregnating a young woman, and then dropping her off at an abortion clinic. You know, kinda like when someone drops off a dog at the humane society when they don't want it anymore. If that wasn't enough for you, then the letter also alleges that Mike Erickson has wild parties involving cocaine use on his houseboat. It just goes to show that negative advertising is awesome. I'm not sure if this is the new Republican Party I've been hearing about, but it sounds pretty awesome to me. I love abortions and cocaine. In fact, I think more politicians should run on that platform. I guess that the letter doesn't contain any complete names or evidence, but that would ruin the fun anyway. While he's at it, I think Kevin Mannix should have a picture of a Mike Erickson eating a baby sandwich, kicking puppies, or perhaps attending a Klan rally. One can do anything with Photoshop these days.
Remember that I will be liveblogging the Oregon and Kentucky primaries in just six days. It's going to be pretty awesome/mediocre. Perhaps someone should start a betting pool over how many times I am able to make an incest/tornado joke about Kentucky. Just a hint: it's going to be a lot.
