An Australian woman is being charged with murder and arson after she allegedly set fire to her husband's crotch while he slept because she was a "jealous wife" who saw him hug another woman. Nothing begins the New Year quite like a genital mutilation story. The wife in this story, Rajini Naraya, is allegedly quoted as saying the following:

"I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else. ... I didn't mean this to happen."

Pretty flawless logic if you ask me. I often set fire to things as a way to declare ownership of property. It's a lot like finders keepers, except with combustion.

I often keep a mental list of the worst possible ways to die. In a previous post I mentioned that being killed by a propeller was slightly worse than being pecked to death by an ostrich, but slightly better than being crushed by a porta-potty, or if you prefer, a Honey Bucket. This story has made me rethink this hypothesis. I can't really contemplate a worse way to snuff it. Waking up to your junk ablaze, and then dying from the injuries after weeks of painful hospitalization has to be one of the worst ways to die ever. It's way worse than being pecked to death by an ostrich. Death by a portable toilet is pretty awful too. I don't like to be anywhere near sewage, and I feel bad for those forced to. However, there is a special bond between a man and his unit. It promises to give us lots of good times, and in exchange we promise to not have it set on fire. Dying in this manner not only breaks that unspoken agreement, but also is the most painful of ways to go out. Worst death ever. 

As we draw to a close the First Annual Wyvern920's Homepage December To Dismember, I would like to present perhaps the finest dismemberment story of the month. Fifteen-year-old Sharell Butler has been charged with the murders of two men. There is a lot to digest in this story, so I will highlight the key parts:

Investigators believe Butler and Robert Pastore, 19, stabbed Drago 40 to 50 times as revenge for talking to cops about a robbery that Pastore committed last year, police sources said.

I've always stressed the importance of not snitching. People got to stick together, and not tell the Man anything useful. Regarding the body of John Drago:

His mutilated body, stuffed into a plastic bag, was found in a Pelham Parkway apartment Dec. 21.

She is also alleged to have killed someone else in a botched robbery attempt, but he wasn't dismembered in any way, so it's not worth mentioning. What is worth mentioning however is that young Sharell Butler is a lanky teen known on the street as Lady Red, and is also part of the Bloods gang. All I can say is good for her. You know what this story represents? It represents sistahs doin' it for themselves. She don't need no man to help her murder and dismember a body; she is willing to do it all herself. Sure, a man was there, but I'm willing to bet that he merely watched, and was in awe of her dismemberment abilities. Of course, our government is always trying to crack down on strong assertive women, which is why she is being charged with murder, manslaughter, and assault. I say free Lady Red!

Final arguments are being heard in a murder trial in Canada, where a man admitted to beheading and dismembering the body of a man he picked up at a bar. The victim was stabbed 68 times and had his body cut up in eight pieces. The defense in this case is reasoning that since the defendant was under the influence of alcohol and drugs, that he should only be tried for manslaughter. Now, three things I would like to point out. Firstly, I have been around a lot of drunken people in my day, and I've been around a lot of people who have been on drugs. Not one of them attempted to kill me or anyone else around me, and cut us up into small pieces. Actually, a few might have, but they had such awful motor skills that it barely qualifies. So I doubt that this defense holds much water. Secondly, I like how the article uses the following line:

A man who admits to beheading and dismembering a fellow he picked up in a bar was so befuddled by booze and drugs that he shouldn't be found guilty of second-degree murder, the defence suggested Thursday.

I suppose that fellow and befuddled are acceptable words for a news story, but since when does referring to alcohol as 'booze' become the standard journalism procedure? I must have missed that in the AP Stylebook. That's something I would write, and I'm functionally retarded when it comes to writing. Also: is it some sort of Canadian thing, or is the word 'defence' spelled wrong? Even through the story is featured in the Edmonton Sun, which is a tabloid, the story itself is from the Canadian Press, which is basically an 'Ehh' version of the AP. It's just weird.

Thirdly, what is wrong with Canada? I thought that Canadians were a peace-loving people. In the last year, they've had people on Greyhound buses decapitating passengers, cannibals trying to recruit people to eat from India, and they apparently no longer have a government. This isn't the Canada of yesteryear – it's some sort of angry new Canada, and I like it. 

During times of great emotional distress, it is sometimes best to find news stories that make one's own personal drama seem less severe. Since we are celebrating 'December To Dismember' here at Wyvern920.com, I figured it would be a good idea to bring out the first story of the season.

Three men and one woman were arrested on suspicion of murdering a man and dismembering his body, leaving the body parts in a canal in England. The truly unfortunate thing mentioned in the article is that his head has not been recovered, so somewhere in England there is a skull that is lacking a torso. There is picture of the deceased man included in the article, and it's truly an unflattering picture. That's no way to be remembered by your friends, loved ones, and the media.

Doesn't your own life seem incrementally better? I thought so. 

Last Friday, OJ Simpson, former football player and distinguished author, was sentenced to about 9 years in prison. Maybe 15 years? Perhaps he will serve as many as 33 years? No two news stories have the same sentence length, so it is hard to tell how much time he will actually be serving. In any event, you may remember my opus magnum 'Juiced' in which I discussed OJ Simpson at length. Now that this saga has somewhat been put to rest, with Simpson going to the hoosegow for a somewhat determined amount of time, I feel the need expand on it.

First off, this sentence is crap. Like I said earlier, those charges were dumb. He was trying to get his stuff back. This was clearly an activist judge who was legislating from the bench. She should be disbarred. They should have brought in Judge Michael T. Sauer from the Paris Hilton trial. He seemed like a competent fellow. I liked the cut of his jib.

Secondly, the only thing that OJ is guilty of is being dumb. If we start sending people to prison for being dumb, then we need to lock up about half of the country, which I wouldn't be that opposed to. If you've listened to the OJ Simpson tapes, which I have, because I am lame, you can hear Simpson say "Don't nobody leave this room!" instead of the correct "Nobody leave this room!" or possibly "I don't want anybody to leave this room!" Now, I understand that speaking patterns are heavily influenced by social and economic status, and often times your grasp of the English language is perhaps a function of the quality of education that one receives growing up, and also of the parents' own education level. That being said, OJ Simpson was a college graduate of USC. USC is a reputable education center – it's not some Christian technical or trade school. They're supposed to have standards there. You would think that Writing or English 101 would be a requirement. Yet he is saying "Don't nobody leave this room!" That's the real victim in this case – the English language, which has been slaughtered. 

Three men in Oklahoma were arrested after they allegedly played a game of 'chicken' against a police officer. A 23-year-old man was driving his car toward an oncoming patrol car, which caused the driver of the police car to swerve out of the way to avoid a head-on collision. The police car then chased the three men until they crashed. Two of the men were hospitalized and a third did not pass go and was sent directly to jail.

You've got to hand it to the three guys. They did win the game, but I think that playing chicken only counts if the other person is in on it. It's really not much of a game when you are the only one playing. As a side note, I think this is the best line of the story:

The driver was found inside the car, another 22-year-old man was found lying outside the vehicle and a third man was found hiding behind a traffic sign.

Unless you are Calista Flockhart, hiding behind a road sign isn't going to work. It sounds like he really had egg on his face after that one. He really kind of clucked up. The chickens are going to come home to roost, and it won't be pretty. Umm, rooster!

What can I say? It's Friday, and I haven't had any coffee yet. 

[Thanks to Jacob for the story]

A man from Rotterdam, New York, was arrested after police said that he used a chainsaw to initiate a fight with a group of men. He has been charged with second-degree assault. Here is a quote from the story – see if you can guess the sentence where it all goes horribly wrong:

According to police Peltier took out a 14-inch chainsaw, started it up and began waving it at the car. Two of the men got out of the car. Police say a fight ensued and one of the men ended up getting hit in the arm with the chainsaw, requiring 14 stitches.

If you answered 'Two of the men got out of the car' then you are correct. When you see a crazy person (and he is a crazy person – just look at the mugshot. I've strived for many years to learn to make my eyes look that crazy so people would avoid talking to me, but thus far I've failed to master it… yet) waving a running chainsaw at you, it is perhaps best to stay in your automobile. A 14-inch chainsaw causing 14 stitches in one's arm – that's got to hurt. That's a stitch for every inch. That young man could have avoided those 14 stitches by utilizing some common sense. Keep that in mind next time.

A resident of Dallas, Oregon was found guilty of sexual abuse after ejaculating on the leg of his friends' sleeping wife. The three adults had been viewing a football match, became "extremely intoxicated" and fell asleep in the living room. The woman awoke to a "wet feeling" on her leg and suspected foul play. A Polk County Judge found this action worthy of charges of sexual abuse, private indecency and harassment.

This ruling by activist judge Fred Avera sets a dangerous precedent in masturbator's rights. Most troubling is the redefinition of semen as a body part. If a certain John Doe were to ejaculate into a receptacle, promptly package and send it via post, finally having it opened by a certain Jane Doe - who subsequently allows certain amounts of this liquid to contact her limbs or torso, would that be considered a crime? If this is wrong then I don't want to be right.

A man from North Carolina allegedly attacked his wife with a chainsaw last week. Apparently his wife was getting all uppity, as is their want, during an argument about her being barefoot and pregnant. I assume that this is what couples argue about in North Carolina. They are a simpler people there – real salt of the Earth.

One rather interesting note in this story is that his wife was treated for a minor chainsaw wound and released from the hospital. Now I am no doctor, but wounds suffered from chainsaws seem like a rather binary system. You either have no chainsaw wounds, or you have horrible chainsaw wounds. After all, when you high-carbon steel rotating exceedingly fast close to your skin, that doesn't really leave much room for error. It's either cutting your flesh, or it's not. In any event, if I were this woman I would be moving away from North Carolina to somewhere better, like anywhere else in the world. I guess they do say that true love can survive anything. Perhaps chainsaw assaults could be categorized as anything.

There are so many icky stories out there right now: Polygamist sex churches, incestuous sex dungeons, and sexually suggestive underage photo spreads. I think that we could all use a good laugh to help flush all of these terrible images from our brains. Luckily, three men in Macon, Georgia are going to do just that after they committed an armed robbery at a Dollar Tree. How much money can one really get from a Dollar Tree? How low can rock bottom be when you find yourself holding a gun to the face of a Dollar Tree employee? Ah Georgia, where life is cheap.

This brings up another interesting point: what do they sell at the dollar store now? The dollar isn't worth anything anymore; so foreign goods are even more expensive. When our currency was strong the dollar store wasn't really a hot bed of quality merchandise. I can only imagine what kind of crap they sell there now.