(Editor's note: the judges would have also accepted "The Ballad Of TV Violence")

This week has been a sine wave of rage for me. On Monday, the United States Senate passed a bill that would delay the mandatory switch to digital television, or DTV. Urge to kill: rising. Then, on Wednesday, the House of Representatives voted to block the bill, thus ensuring that the DTV transition would go on as planned. Urge to kill: falling. Then finally, the Senate passed the same bill again, but this time with a few minor changes in an effort to get it passed through both chambers of Congress. Urge to kill: rising. I am so Goddamned tired of this DTV transition. For months and months I have been hearing nothing but how I'm going to lose reception if I get my television over-the-air. I get it already – I need cable, satellite, or a converter box. Please stop it. I don't care. If I have to go another four months hearing PSAs about how I might lose reception then I am going to have to kill someone.

Senate Democrats, who were worried that mostly poor, elderly, and rural households are not ready for the switch, drafted the original bill. The Democrats have only been in complete power for a little over a week, and already they are out of touch with America, and by America I mean me. I was so happy when Republicans voted down the measure on Wednesday that I considered only voting Republican for the rest of my life. But then they rolled over and forged a compromise – a compromise to make me hate them all. I don't care about the poor, elderly, and rural households. I'm sorry if grandma won't be able to watch her stories anymore – maybe she should have been nicer to her children so they would help her get ready. I'm also sorry that Chet won't be able to watch the NASCARs anymore – maybe he can pick up a book now. Finally, if you are poor, then maybe watching reruns of According To Jim isn't the best use of time for you.

This Goddamn DTV thing is like a band-aid: it's better just to rip it off all at once rather than slowly peel it away. Either convert to DTV now or don't ever convert to DTV, but just stop talking about it. It's only three short weeks away – let's just do it and then stop bitching about it.

Yeah, I know I suck. By not updating, I am severely disappointing my reader. It's just that I've been so busy these last couple weeks. Well, maybe I haven't really been busy per se – unless busy counts as sitting on the sofa watching the World Series, waving an American flag, and eating snack foods and apple pie, which I certainly think it does. Such slothfulness takes dedication, and I've never been one to half-ass it. This reminds me, why is it called the World Series? It's not like you ever see the Kansas City Royals playing some team in Botswana. Major League Baseball does have teams in Canada, so really the World Series is a North American Series at best. People could make the argument that since there are multiple nationalities represented on various teams, then it could be considered a World Series, but those people are shmucks. That doesn't count. Unless I see the Cuban national team kicking our collective asses, then it really isn't a World Series.

Anyway, if you have also been watching the World Series, you no doubt have seen the exact same commercials that I have seen. Here is what I have to say about that:

• I will never ever do business with DirectTV. I despise their commercials. Their advertisements make me want to dig out my eyes with a spork. Not only does it make me think less of them as a business, but it also sullies National Lampoon's Vacation. I don't care if I live out in the middle of a desert, where my only ability to view televised programming is though DirectTV; I simply won't do it. I'll watch paint dry instead.
• Speaking of things I will never purchase, has anyone seen those commercials with Bud Light, touting its drinkability? What idiot watches those and thinks, "By God, I want my liver to filter that!" No one, that's who. Plus, that guy who catches the Frisbee in the plaid shirt seems like a major douche. Who is he to tell that one guy what to drink? He can go pound it. And while we're on the topic of Bud Light, they have a similar commercial that takes place at a tailgate party, and has some chick instead of that douche. I'm having a difficult time trying to figure out if she is hot or not. I want to say yes, but it might just be a misdirection – she might only seem hot because she is in a sports jersey and isn't dangerously obese. I'll have to take some time and think about this.
• I've never really used a Blackberry mobile phone, simply because I figured they were for East Coast elitists, but I must say that they do look fantastic. It's not even that great of commercial, but it does seem like an excellent product.
• Triple Steak Burritos from Taco Bell? Why? Why not double steak, or up the ante and have quadruple steak burritos? As a side note, every year Taco Bell has a promotion where if a base is stolen in the World Series, everyone in America gets a free taco, which did happen in Game 1. So tomorrow between 2pm and 6pm one can go to any Taco Bell location and get themselves a free Crunchy Seasoned Beef Taco. That is all fine and dandy, except for the fact that it is a Crunchy Seasoned Beef Taco. First off, that sounds disgusting, and second, as a pesco-ovo-vegetarian, I am left out of this promotion. Am I not part of America? If you cut me do I not bleed? Shame on you Taco Bell. If you have a promotion that guarantees a free taco to America, you should allow all Americans to enjoy, not just the carnivorous ones.
• I might go against the stream here, but I generally hate Geico commercials. I have always thought that their advertisements are dumb. The whole caveman thing was stupid the first time I saw it, and it only becomes more and more grating with each successive airing. I also hope that Global Warming is real and we do nothing about it, just so that it will kill off that stupid Gecko lizard. That being said, Geico does air a commercial with a real person named Andrea Barrow and Mrs. Butterworth, which is fantastic. First off, Andrea Barrow is hot as balls – it has to be said. Don't ask me why, she just is. I think she's going to have to be my new T.V. crush. Sorry Flo from Progressive – at least you still have that tricked out nametag. Someone else will have to dirty you up. Anyway, secondly, Mrs. Butterworth says the greatest things in the commercial. Shivers up my bottle. Genius. It's pretty much the single best commercial to ever air in the history of commercials. There are many aspiring advertisers who could learn a lot from that commercial.

Baseball and advertising; it's America at its finest.

I watch a lot of late night television. Generally, when I am not able to sleep, the soothing radiation of the cathode ray tube is my only friend. The best part of late night television is the paid advertisements and infomercials that populate channels 2 through 71. I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of infomercials. Some people remember where they were the day Kennedy was shot, or when the Red Sox won the pennant. Me? I remember where I was (on the couch) the day I first saw the Magic Bullet commercial, starring that Australian guy and his foxy wife. Really, the Magic Bullet is the gold standard for infomercials – the alpha and omega – the Cadillac of paid advertisements. Anyway, I digress. What I am here to talk about today is the rash of male enhancement commercials I have seen.

I am no stranger to male enhancement product advertisements. For years I've received thousands of offers that were electronically delivered to my email box. It's kind of like the weekly circular; but instead of coupons for products I use everyday that make my life better I merely get discounts for products that are filled with sawdust and chalk. The newest product that is being advertised is ExtenZe, which utilizes a fictional talk show called 'Sex Talk' that is hosted by some weasely guy and this semi-hot chick that isn't really all that hot, but makes up for it by doing her hair, plastering on the makeup, and wearing something low-cut that shows off her cakes. The best/worst part of the half hour advertisement features three women discussing how unhappy they are with the men they have had in their lives, and making snarky comments about their size. Never mind the fact that one of the chicks should consider fixing that thing on her face she calls a nose before finding fault with any man. It's a pretty awful infomercial.

The second male enhancement commercial is for Enzyte, which I believe at this point is fairly well embedded into the pop culture. Everyone knows who 'Smilin' Bob' is – one of the greatest corporate spokesmen ever to exist. He's the Mr. Peanut of schlongs – the Kool-Aid man of johnsons – the Mr. Whipple of wangs. The only fault I can find with the Enzyte commercials is that one of them features 'Smilin' Bob' as Santa, with a bunch of kids lined up to sit on his lap, which is pretty disturbing. Then some hot chick sits on his lap. The End.

Though not directly related to male enhancement products, I do see a lot of commercials for something called Red Hot Dateline. I thought that party lines ended in the early 90s, and were replaced by Internet chat rooms. Apparently they are still around though, and it's where local girls go wild. God Bless America. You can sell anything as long as there is a hot chick advertising it. It's the American Wet Dream.

All in all, I wish that I slept better at night, or at least had TV Land air Three's Company reruns at two in the morning.

I have to say that my all-time favorite cartoon would be the Wile E. Coyote & Roadrunner cartoon. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner, who mocks him and laughs at him as he is repeatedly crushed and maimed. I certainly enjoyed it. They were much better than Bugs Bunny cartoons. Bugs Bunny was kind of a douche. I also liked Speedy Gonzales because he always managed to stick it to whitey, but they aren't allowed to air those on the television anymore. Doesn't a Speedy Gonzales sound like something rather perverse? In any event, the Roadrunner cartoons are really the gold standard for pre-adolescence animation. If they put out a DVD collection of all of them I would be buying that tomorrow. Anyway, I digress. I found a site that lists all of the products that the ACME Corporation makes in the Warner Brothers cartoons. It's pretty fantastic.

I know that every terrible comedian has done a bit on this, but don't you think that there should be a massive class-action lawsuit against the ACME Corporation. I'd say a good 90% of their products failed causing serious harm to the user. Shouldn't Wile E. Coyote maybe have switched to a different provider of manufactured goods? I'm just sayin' is all. And what does ACME even stand for? Or does it mean something? I know that there is a town called Acme in Canada that is located by Calgary somewhere, because I remember seeing on a map, but I don't think the two things are related at all. Meh.

I do have to say though that even given ACME's rather poor product performance, I wouldn't mind having some of them. The Do-It-Yourself Tornado Kit would be pretty awesome. Just go to a trailer park and make a day of it. The Earthquake Pills would also be awesome too. Perhaps the best one would be the ACME Instant Girl. I could think of a thousand uses for that product, but I prefer not to work blue. I probably would have gone to the promenade had such a product existed.

Perhaps I think too much about fictitious corporations in cartoons – reality bites.

Am I the only one who holds the belief that most YouTube/Internet videos are terrible? Someone will send you a link to a video, and it is either terrible or not worth the time and effort of watching. This is because most people have terrible taste in comedy and entertainment. Luckily, since you are a reader of this site, you have taste. Thus, when I post a video you can count on it being awesome, because unlike most people I have extraordinary taste. Therefore, I present to you one of the best moments on The Daily Show in recent memory.

Lead Seaman Huffington Nobgobbler. Genius.