He was born on September 4th, 1918, and was the son of a police officer. He got his start working in a Tulsa radio station as a janitor before being allowed to fill in and read commercials. Working his way up took him to radio stations such as KOMA and KXOK before briefly serving in the United States Army Air Forces during World War II. After the war he resumed radio, working at WENR before being syndicated via ABC Radio Network. Now, page two.

Have you heard the dulcet tones of the Bose Wave Radio? I get letters from all around the country from people who love their Bose Wave Radio. Gertrude Maloney from Sioux Falls, South Dakota loves her Bose Wave Radio. She writes "I have never had a finer radio in my life. Every morning I wake up and turn on my Bose Wave Radio and enjoy it." Why don't you give Bose a call and tell them to send you a Bose Wave Radio? Now, page three.

A distinguished author, he has written seven books about American culture. In 2005 he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom. He has be named Salesman of the Year, Commentator of the Year, Person of the Year, Father of the Year, and American of the Year, and was even named to the Nation Associate of Broadcasters Radio Hall of Fame. But he always knew what was important to him – the love of his wife of 63 years. He died on February 28th, 2009. And that man's name was… Paul Harvey.

And now you know… the rest of the story. Good day!

I've often mentioned on this website that I always peruse MSN.com in the morning hoping for scandals, tragedy, and death. Sometimes these things don't occur, and I am forced to occupy my time with the large amount of fluff that often dominates the front page. One such item was the 'Celebrity Love Match' chart, which was displayed on astrocenter.astrology.msn.com. As a side note, this is the reason why I find it difficult to describe my favorite area of study in physics. When I tell people that I enjoy theoretical astrophysics, they often confuse that with astrology. When I tell people that I enjoy theoretical cosmology, they assume that I'm talking about cosmetology. I then have to kick them in the junk in either event. Anyways, the handy chart located on the aforementioned website allowed one to do the following things: 1) Input one's astrological sign, and 2) Select a celebrity, or select the gender of celebrities one wishes to view compatibility with. Sadly, the choices for celebrities lacked Anne Hathaway, so I guess I'll never know in that regard, but I'll assume the best anyway. The results are much too long to list here, but the following link provides the list of celebrities that I scored 'Call the Firehouse!!!' Please note that the compatibility is so strong that no less than three exclamation points were necessary to accurately describe it. I decided not to list them here, because don't you hate it when people list those stupid quiz results on their blog page? Don't you wish you could just punch them in the face? Don't you wish they would just die? I do.

My list has got me angry. Everyone I am compatible with is either like a billion years old or is as dumb as a box of nails (or married). Plus, why is Miley Cyrus even listed on the chart? That's just creepy; just because she sounds like she's 40 doesn't mean she actually is, at least not in the eyes of Johnny Law. Plus, being compatible with Paris Hilton is just sad. I assume those flames on the thermometer represent my newfound sensation while peeing.

The one I am actually happy about is Scarlett Johansson. I took an online quiz earlier that found one's celebrity soulmate, and once again I scored Scarlett Johansson. I was so happy that I made sure to take a screen capture and stored the picture right next to the vagina cake picture I have. You know, she has a big crush on me; she just doesn't know it yet. Scarlett Johansson, not the vagina cake. Err, yeah. 

I could lie and tell you that it deeply saddens me when celebrities die. However, that would be a flat out lie. Barring the celebrities whose work I admired greatly, I generally welcome when they die, as it moves me one step closer to becoming the world's oldest person. Since Christmas, celebrities have been dying left and right. The rule of three has turned into the rule of six. I now present for your edification, a list of the celebrities that have died or been reported dead since Christmas:

Eartha Kitt: I don't really know much about Eartha Kitt, though I suppose I really ought to. From the article on her she apparently wrote 'Santa Baby', and I detest that song. Hopefully God doesn't feel the same way.

Harold Pinter: Speaking of people I really don't know about, Harold Pinter also died. He wrote plays for sophisticated people, which I am not. He does however look like a Cockney Quint from Jaws.

John Costelloe: Most famous for playing a gay mobster in The Sopranos. I never watched The Sopranos, as it was a premium cable show, which I did not have. His only main claim to fame was his portrayal of 'Johnny Cakes'. It's quite the legacy.

Delaney Bramlett: Though I didn't really know him, I knew his work. He wrote songs for Eric Clapton and George Harrison when they were good. Then they got bad, or he got bad, which would explain why the picture in the article consists of Delaney Bramlett with Jerry Garcia. Also, I'm not going to lie; when I saw the name Bramlett, I first thought of Bramlet Abercrombie, the fictional character portrayed by Stephen Colbert during his interview with Stephanie Tubbs Jones, who also died this year.

Ann Savage: Perhaps a bit before my time, as in 50 years, but apparently Ann Savage was some sort of sex symbol in the '40s. Judging from the stock photo of her provided, it was a very slow decade. Since I don't know much about her, I'm going to assume she occupied the sex symbol period after Clara Bow but before Mamie Van Doren.

Freddie Hubbard: Though I haven't heard a lot of his jazz, I do know that he played the good kind of jazz, and not the Kenny G kind of jazz. Yet, Kenny G is still alive, and Freddie Hubbard is dead. Life isn't fair kids.

Well, that's it, as far as I know. The day isn't over yet. If someone else snuffs it I'll be sure to add it tonight. In any event, I boiled down the lives of six celebrities into 20 sentences. It's what I do. 

Well, this sucks. I'm utterly speechless. George Carlin died yesterday, a mere six hours ago. As soon as I saw it on MSN I got that sick feeling in my stomach. It might be cliché, but George Carlin really was one of those larger-than-life people – a living legend if you will. He was awesome when he played Rufus in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, and was awesome when he played a Cardinal in Dogma. Plus, he never once released a bad HBO special. He is easily in my top five list of idols, and of people who have had a profound impact on my life. The first time I was introduced to George Carlin was on Shining Time Station, where he played Mr. Conductor. The first time I was introduced to George Carlin in a comedic sense was in my sophomore year of high school, where my friend Dan lent me the book Brain Droppings, which was described to me as "an older, funnier version of you," which really is true. When you read my insomniatic posts about miscellaneous things, they really are just a poor attempt at George Carlin humor.

When Carlin went into rehab back in 2004, I wrote a little thing about it for the old incarnation of my site:

The biggest piece of news to reach my inbox this week was that of George Carlin entering rehab. Yes, the one and only George Carlin. Out of all the people I steal jokes and ideas from, George Carlin probably is the most referenced. Whether he is insulting ticket holders attending his own comedy set or merely bashing the elderly, George Carlin is my God. So, we here wish best of luck and recovery to Carlin. By the way, if you haven't checked out his newest book, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? I would definitely recommend doing so. Funny stuff.

What was true then is also true today: George Carlin is my God. My biggest regret is never having seen him live. So many comedians start off great, but end up terrible, like all of them. George Carlin was brilliant all the way to the end. He taught me that no matter what the subject is, it can be made funny. Take, for instance, rape; picture Porky Pig raping Daisy Duck. See? Hey, why do you think they call him Porky?

Thank you, George Carlin – rest in peace. The circles are indeed getting a little faster and a little shorter, even without you here. 

It's always good to be able to laugh, especially when life has got you down. This is why I am proud to present a website I found simply called Dickipedia, which is described as a wiki of dicks. It's got all the major players in there: George Lucas, Dr. Phil, and Pat Robertson. Perhaps the best one is the entry for Santa Claus – from his controversies section regarding his weight:

Since the inception of the story of Santa, societal attitudes about weight and its effects on overall health have also changed. In recent years, Santa underwent dramatic weight loss. He attributed his new physique to "exercise and a disciplined diet planned." But rumors persisted that the weight loss was, in fact, due to gastric bypass surgery, which Santa adamantly denies.

And then there is his DUI and racist remarks section:

In 2006, Santa, driving his sleigh, was pulled over. A test showed that his blood alcohol level was .13, well over the .08 legal limit. Upon being cited by the officer, Santa exploded with rage, reportedly yelling "F*** the Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world!"

I do love it when pop cutlure events conflat into something magical. Dickipedia is one of those ideas that I wish I had thought of. I have a whole long list of people who should be an entry, starting with my various enemies.

Dunkin’ Donuts has pulled commercials that feature Rachael Ray selling iced coffee, due to the fact that she is seen wearing a scarf that “is popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos.” Now, clearly terrorism is wrong, and no one in his or her right mind would advocate becoming a terrorist. With that being said, as long as there is a group of people who believe that their invisible man in the sky is superior to another group’s invisible man in the sky, there is going to be terrorism. And wouldn’t it be fantastic if Rachael Ray were an actual terrorist? If I had more time, and perhaps I was not as lazy, I would totally Photoshop some sort of image of Rachael Ray doing something terrorist-like. Perhaps a mashup of Rachael Ray and one of those Allah cartoons that almost destroyed Denmark – maybe the one that has Mohammed with a bomb for a turban, but instead of Mohammed it would be Rachael Ray. In any event, it would be funny, and you know it would be.

Rachael Ray is one of the celebrities that is fascinating to me because I can’t tell she is either drugged up on Oxycontin all the time, had her smile surgically set, or is just naturally that happy. I’m sure it can’t be the last one, because no one is that happy, and she is obviously a terrible person off-camera. After all, she does hate black people (According to the tabloids, which I always choose to believe if the story is entertaining enough, and repeat them as fact). Also, please notice that I didn’t make one Rachael Ray spitting joke, because I am above that. I know that some people salivate at the prospect of easy jokes, but lowbrow humor such as that makes me foam at the mouth.

Good news everyone! Scarlett Johansson is up for auction on the eBays this week. The winning bidder will receive two tickets to her latest movie, airfare to the premiere, as well as a meet-and-greet with Miss Johansson herself. Apparently 100% of the proceeds will go to the Oxfam America charity, which I guess cures cancer or something like that. The main point is that this could be your opportunity to meet Scarlett Johansson, who like Stephanie Kralevich, is hot as balls. As I remember reading earlier, Scarlett Johansson is an atheist, which makes her blasphemous, and even hotter.

In completely unrelated news, I will also be sponsoring the Oxfam America charity, and I urge all my readers to donate. This website gives so much, and asks for so little, so please click on the Paypal link below, which will allow you to donate money through this site. I will be sure to deliver all the money received in one large sum… possibly in the form of an auction… but please donate by 8:00 pm March 12th… Yeah…

Lindsay Lohan decided to pose *yawn* nude in the exact same spread as Marilyn Monroe did, with the major difference being that Marilyn Monroe was hot. I suppose I'm being a bit unfair – she is somewhat attractive in them (NSFW). At least she doesn't have any fake tanner on; after all, pasty-white is hot (seriously). The problem with these pictures is that I really don't care. It is pretty amazing to think of how fast that Lindsay has fallen off the cultural radar. It's a fairly major event (It did make Drudge after all), but no one I know really cares all that much. She's like a pack of gum whose flavor has been all chewed out. I don't think there is anything she could do to get that flavor back either, short of robbing a liquor store nude with a vibrator, which would be hot. Oh, how things change indeed.

There are some celebrities (henceforth referred to as cele-Britties) of whom I consistently ask (i.e. six or more times a day): HOW ARE YOU REAL?

I guess what I'm going to write is somewhat inevitable: How does Britney Spears continue to exist the way that she does? Let's talk briefly about Britters, shall we? Okay. [Keep in mind that all these stories -- every last one of 'em -- broke within the last week.]

• Our girl told doctors at UCLA she's on Adderall and has been taking ten laxatives a day (She's still looking hella pudgy, so I'm doubting the lax number, but whatevs). This was on January 31. Then she waxed poetic about how her mom's been sleeping with her latest boyfried (two things to note: if Britney Spears is officially NOT a M.I.L.F. [N.A.M.I.L.F.], then her mother is an I.G.O.M.E.A.L.M.O.F.B.I.F.T.M [I'd-Gouge-Out-My-Eyes-And-Light-Myself-On-Fire-Before-I'd-Fuck-This-Mom].; Also, Britney's new BF looks like a member of Al Qaida who dropped out to become a Backstreet Boy [picture available here]).
• The next day, the UCLA labels Britney "gravely disabled." Which I personally think is hilarious.
• Then she's committed. Obs. I guess this was expected -- reports The Superficial:

"...The LAPD and FAA already had previously arranged plans to facilitate Britney's magical journey to cuckoo town. Ever since her last meltdown, plans were laid to expedite an inevitable return to the hospital. (You're welcome, California taxpayers!) Britney's lack of sleep was the trigger for today's excursion"

• Probably my favorite part of this story is that the AP has already begun to prepare Brit's obit. This is absolutely true, as it has been officially reported by Us Weekly (over which there is absolutely no higher authority):

"The Associated Press began preparing Britney Spears’ obituary within the past month, Usmagazine.com has learned.

"We are not wishing it, but if Britney passed away, it’s easily one of the biggest stories in a long time," AP entertainment editor Jesse Washington tells Us."

Pictures of Britney in the last month have been especially good (which I'd post here if I knew how, but I'm sure a Google Image Search for "Britney + Spears + Trainwreck would yield good results).

Do I feel bad for Brit? No. But I do wonder if she's real. I've long subscribed to the theory that Anna Nicole Smith was not an actual person, but an automaton of Artificial Intelligence created by rocket scientists who sold out years ago and became underground workers for the tabloid industry. Britney's perfect cocktail of catastrophe and hilarity that is her everyday life really backs up this theory.

The real question is: Who's next?

I know I will have to break precedent in reporting this next story, but I believe that it has to be done. In what is perhaps the best news to happen all week, Lindsay Lohan has been arrested for suspicion of DUI. Also: officers believe they found cocaine in her automobile. Apparently a "usable amount" was tentatively identified. She was sent to the hospital with minor injuries after her Mercedes-Benz convertible struck a curb. The condition of the convertible is unknown at this time.

This story makes me so very happy. It's like Christmas in May. Schadenfreude is really the best form of happiness that can be attained. With her career on the rocks, Lindsay is really blowing her chances of a successful career. There is one upside to this story though; back in the old days when I wanted coke and whores, I use to have to make two stops – one for the coke, and one for the whores. Now with yeyo lilo out there cruising the Sunset Strip, I can satisfy these two vices in a simple stop. God bless you Lindsay, God bless us all.