After a nearly four-month absence, I finally have another clown-related story to share with the masses. Patricia Ingalls, a professional clown, was arrested on Friday for alleged drunken driving after she left the scene of an accident. The story is complete with mugshot goodness. Ingalls was apparently, according to her version of the story, driving to a children's party when she got into an accident. She then fled the scene and drank heavily before continuing to the party, where I can only assume she continued to drink heavily in front of children. Police then showed up to arrest her. Here is where her story falls apart:

"They[the children] were all hanging on me and saying, 'Don't take the clown,'" said Ingalls.

Uh huh, sure they were. What a magical place it must be to live in blood alcohol level .252 land, where your profession is respected by children, and they beg law enforcement officials to forgive your felonies, even after you show up at a party looking like this woman did in her mugshot. Good times. 

It’s been a while since I’ve had a clown-related story. In fact, this is the first one of the New Year. Four teens, with one wearing a clown mask, beat and robbed three other teens in the back of a high school. How sad, or terrifying, would your life be if you were beat up by someone wearing a clown mask? The four teens then escaped in a van, only to engage the police in a chase. I can only assume that the teen wearing a clown mask was the one driving. They were eventually apprehended, arrested, and charged with first-degree robbery, second-degree assault, and fourth-degree criminal possession.

One interesting thing I found in the article was that the name of one of the suspects is Jose Jose. I guess he was so nice that they named him twice. Who would name their child twice? This takes “someone with two first names” to an entirely different level. I am left to wonder if Jose Jose is perhaps the Billy Bob, Billy Ray, or just Billy of the Hispanic world. Uhh, yeah.

It's another week, and it's another batch of clowns behaving badly. Nothing brings in the holiday spirit like criminal clowns, and today I have three stories for your edification.

The first story: A man wearing a clown mask boarded a bus brandishing a knife. He then proceeded to take off the mask and cut into it with the knife. Police aren't sure why he was motivated to deface the mask with a knife, but suspect the man may have been mentally ill – possibly because he was taking public transportation, and wearing a clown mask.

The second story: Coming straight out of Florida, a man wearing a clown mask robbed a CVS drugstore. The story mainly deals with the emotional connection to a father and a son, who had been shot by the robber. I won't really get into that, but the part that is slightly interesting is the following:

Seconds after Samuel McGinnis asked a clown-masked robber not to hurt anyone in a CVS drugstore, the gunman shot him a second time - point blank in the chest.

So here is a little word to the wise: never ask a man who wearing a clown mask to not hurt anyone. It will get you shot. Instead ask him to hurt everyone. You will stand a better chance of not getting hurt, at least in this case. Also, this is the second story about a man wearing a clown mask robbing a CVS drugstore in the last year. Keep that in mine next time you need some NyQuil. Err, yeah.

Story the third: Trim-Trim the Clown has received 12 years for sexual assault of young girls. This story is all kinds of off-putting. Looking through my the Google new stories is much like a box of chocolates – you just don't know what you are going to get. When I went through the first line of the story, it was an avalanche of bad, and now I can't remove the ick from my mind. I'll caption my internal thoughts as I read this using only five different letters.

A man who worked as a children's party clown was sentenced to 12 years in state prison Friday [WOOO!] for sexually abusing two young girls [EWWW!] - sometimes, police say, while he wore clown attire. [AHHH!]

There are some things you just can't unsee. That last line is one of those things. Try to have a good rest of the day. 

Well folks, not soon after my last post, which was clown-related, word comes that Bozo the Clown has died. Now here's the thing – I could write up a summary about the life and times of Larry Harmon, who was Bozo the Clown. I could go on and on about how he terrorized children with sock puppets, balloon animals, and small horns; how he left his imprint on an entire generation of small children with his clowning; how he was a pioneering entertainer – one of the first television clowns. I'm not though. The only thing I am going to mention is how Goddamn creepy the picture of Bozo that accompanied the article that I saw was. To say that I was frightened, startled, or even scared would be a gross understatement. As soon as I saw the picture of Larry as Bozo, I immediately closed the browser window, started to cry, and then wet myself. It's terrifying. My heart rate increased and my breathing accelerated. I felt a panic attack. The only way I am able to supply a link to said article is by right clicking the link on the MSN homepage and selecting 'Copy Shortcut.' I refuse to view this picture again, and nope to never see it again in my lifetime. If, even after this preamble, you feel as though you are brave enough to view this picture, then be my guest. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Why Won't Jesse Helms Just Hurry Up And Die[d]?

Also: Happy Independence Day. Perhaps it's fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution – but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist.

It inevitably happens during this time of year; the news cycle is running on fumes. There has been a definite lack of quality news stories worth their weight in comedic gold. Fear not though, my friends, for I have an update on a previous story. Think of this post as a sitcom that early in the first season features a temporary character, only to bring them back in the fifth season when they run out of ideas.

Giggles the Clown, whom I wrote about last May, has been released after serving 15 months in prison for attempting to pick up an underage girl over the Internet. According to the article, he must check in with the Colorado Department of Corrections daily by phone, weekly in person, and will be visited by a parole officer at his work, which may or may not consist of being a clown, but he does not have to register as a sex offender. I don't really understand how someone, such as Giggles, clearly should be registered as a sex offender since he was, after all, sending photos of his junk to some teen girl, yet some college idiot who goes streaking across a quad does have to register. Whatever.

Perhaps more interesting than this news story is the advertisement for Judge Judy on the left; the tagline for the show is "I can say what I want. When you become a judge, we'll talk." I don't really understand this line of thought, but I do enjoy the picture. Judith Sheindlin seems to be giving the gestures for 'here we go again' or 'what are ya gonna do?' which I rather like. If only I lived in Grand Junction – my weekdays at 4:00 pm would be set. I thought Judge Judy was cancelled years ago, and was replaced by a multitude of different T.V. judges. I could go on and on about T.V. judges, but that is a whole other post. 

Here is a little bit of clown news to brighten your day. Carrie L. Williams-Thompson, also known as Kooki the Clown, was arrested after allegedly stealing more than $500,000 dollars from an elderly woman, whom Kooki became friends with after her husband had died. Kooki then used her Power of Attorney to purchase homes, clown horns, face paint, humorously small cars, balloons, giant wigs, and a fifth wheel trailer, which was to be used for clowning.

I did find the myspace page for "Kooki Carrie". It's all kinds of uncomfortable. Despite the fact that clowns are Goddamn creepy, I encourage you to read Kooki's blog entries. You can see how people have started vandalizing her entries. It's pretty awesome.

This story has one important lesson for all of us, and that is to never let a clown have Power of Attorney. Despite what you may believe, a clown is perhaps not the best individual to take care of your financial affairs after you die, unless you happen to live at a carnival, or have your financial assets invested with the Ringling Brothers.

Today is not merely a Two-For-Tuesday, but rather a Three-For-Thruesday laugh-fest of horror, for I have three clown-related stories for your edification. As a bonus, two of the stories involve sex crimes. I can't wait.

Story the first: A man dressed in a clown suit robbed a CVS pharmacy in Fredricksburg, Virginia. The half-man/half-clown hybrid stole a multitude of pills, including Oxycontin and Methadone. This is a perfect case study as how not spend your life – robbing a CVS in a clown suit for pills. That's no way to live. Couldn't you at least rob a Walgreens? Have some dignity sir.

Story the second: The estate of a now dead clown is suing the government for negligence, claiming that excessive force in a country jail contributed to the death of their beloved family member/clown. Mentioned in the article is how 'Klutzo the Clown' was in prison for child sex crimes. Now, while prison might not be the most moral of places, there are certain things that criminals won't stand for, and one of those things is child touching. God bless the inmates at the Sangamon County Jail. They are truly doing The Lord's work.

Story the third: A man who worked as 'Silly the Clown' is standing trial for sexually assaulting and photographing his 21-year-old girlfriend after she passed out after a night of heavy drinking. The woman's testimony:

"I thought I could trust [Silly the Clown] . . . that he would love me and respect me and that I would not be violated when I was passed out."

Uh huh. Nothing commands respect like passing out after a night of heavy drinking with a clown. I'm sure the first thing that everyone thinks after witnessing a woman passed out on a sofa with a vodka bottle in her hand is respect. The real lesson here is to not date clowns, and certainly don't pass out alone with one. The more you know.

Marcel Marceau, who was known as 'the great French mime,' has died at the age of 84. In case you weren't around to read my Pulitzer Prize-winning newsletter article 'Mimes: Silent Evil', let me remind you that mimes are indeed silent evil. A mime is simply a silent clown that hasn't molested you…yet.

Now, there are about a million different ways I can put my spin on this story. After all, a dead mime is funny. Here are the various ways I could go with this story. A) A long paragraph replacing the words that sound like mime. Example: Marcel was found dead at about half-past mime. In his later years he was said to be losing his mimed. He was known for his communist philosophy of 'what is yours is what is mime'. B) Observations about various miming techniques. Example: comparing a regular pantomime routine of being trapped in a box, except this time being trapped in an actual box, or coffin. Or C) Referencing pop culture's take on mimes, including the scene in Eurotrip where a mime gets kicked in the junk, or even my newsletter, which I could post, but I won't.

So think of this update as a choose your own adventure, except that once you choose which way to go, I do absolutely no further work. Now, the rest of this article will be done in mime.

Here is something that hits a little too close to home; a man wearing a clown wig, sunglasses, an orange coat, (please notice my use of an Oxford comma) and purple latex medical gloves robbed a bank in the great city of Portland, Oregon. According to the news story, the robbery happened in the 3200 block of North Lombard. Those of you familiar with North Portland, or have a basic knowledge of Google Maps, will see that this bank is a scant two blocks away from King Burrito. It's just past Su Casa and Big Daddy's Smokehouse AKA Sliders. The most disturbing part of this story is that the guy got away, even after the police set up a perimeter to search for the guy.

We can only hope that this guy robs another bank, so that the media can give him a clever name. I've come up with a few off the top of my head:

Robbers The Clown
The NoPo MoFo
Bandit The Clown
The Lombard Looter
Stabby The Clown, or Stabbers
Cocaine Clown Posse
And just for old times sake, Mr. Tinkles, for no readily apparent reason.

Feel free to add yours to this list. Remember, next time you are eating a burrito and you see a man wearing a large wig and an orange coat, perhaps you should try and move along. Not only is he going to scare you, but he'll probably take your money too. It's no good.

A Colorado man, from the great city of Grand Junction along I-70, has been arrested after he posted sexually explicit pictures and movies of himself to a girl he believed was 12-years-old. The man apparently worked under the professional clown name of 'Giggles,' which was also one of the names of a mascot that I created for an earlier version of this site.

So even though that all predator clowns fall under the big shadow of Pogo the Clown, there is still something deeply troubling about any clown willing to show his balloon animal on the film. You'd have to look deep inside yourself when applying that white makeup. I'm just sayin'.