The parents of a child whom they named Adolph Hitler Campbell are upset at a supermarket because the supermarket in question refused to decorate a cake with the child's name on it. The family is asking for tolerance regarding their choice of a name for their child, and they are upset not only at the ShopRite store, but also at the public opinion regarding this issue. The family believes that people should "look forward, not back, and accept change." Fear not though reader – the family was able to get a cake decorated at a local Wal-Mart store, which honors and celebrates Hitler in all his forms.

This is the kind of news story that is right up my wheelhouse. First of all, I'm all for personal freedom, against tyranny of the government, etc. etc., but I'm also a fan of personal responsibility. Maybe you ought not to be naming your child after a murderous dictator. If you really wanted to torment the poor child, why not just give him a normal name, and just beat him daily instead. I'm just sayin'. Secondly, this isn't the first time that these parents have proven themselves to be idiots. They have two other children. One is named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and another is named Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell. Sterilization anyone? I never understood why procreation is considered a basic human right. Everyone seems to decry China for limiting the birthing to one child per couple – that this somehow violates their rights. You know what though? Some (if not most) people shouldn't be having kids. Take for instance the family in the article. In China they would only be allowed to ruin one child, but in America they can ruin as many as they can farm out of that womb. Wooo America! 

A cougar mauled a 16-year-old girl after she and her 21-year-old boyfriend snuck into a home owned by a wildlife collector. Neighbors believe that the boyfriend was trying to impress the girl by breaking into the home and showing the girl the collection of cougars, snakes, tortoises, and alligators that were owned by the resident. The money line of the story:

Dried blood covered Rigerman's concrete floor at the spot where the 4-year-old cougar pounced on the girl and clenched his jaws around her head.

Now I won't comment as to the appropriateness of this relationship – that is for the courts to decide. I do know that nothing gets a girl hot like almost getting mauled to death. It's like Spanish fly, but with blood. If your date gets bitten, that is easily second base. Any sort of clawing or pawing, that's a triple. And if you're lucky enough to have your date mauled to an inch of her life, then you are in. It's funny how love works – some things just can't be explained. 

You thought Britney and LiLo were the only ones who were totally washed up these days. How wrong you were.

Last Tuesday some aryan Dutch kids were just minding their own business at a swank resort when an 8-foot Lego man crashed the party -- by mysteriously washing up in the Dutch sea.

I know what you're thinking: It's Amsterdam, so they were probably smoking hash that had, unbeknownst to them, been laced with (intense) acid, right? I thought the same thing. But there are pictures! There's even this aptly-titled slide show ("Giant Lego man found in Dutch sea")!

One thing that confuses me even more than the appearance of the Lego man ('cause... that's not so unusual, is it?) is the moniker tattooed on his bright blue torso: "No Real Than You." Okay, #1) WTF?! and #2) Dutch people are not going to be able to read that and #3) WTF!? There's definitely like a verb or a quantifier or some other article missing in there. And yet... it remains kind of ominous, doesn't it? What could that possibly mean?

And then I started thinking about it. And I wondered: why wasn't the disappearance of this guy reported? I mean: he's huge and bright yellow -- it's not like he could have surreptitiously slipped away, you know? It all seems awfully suspicious.

Anyway, the Dutch people eventually "placed [him] in front of the drinks stall," which can really only result in heartbreak. I mean, some totally hammered broad is definitely going to drunkenly pick Lego Guy up, take him home, and wake up the next morning with a regrettable hangover, a formidable rectangular dent in her mattress and an eerily deep desire to construct a crude model of the Death Star out of interlocking plastic blocks.

Come Wednesday, most good family men such as myself ask ourselves how we might get through our tough weeks in such a merciless and cut-throat world. I know there are two things that keep me going: family and faith. This week I am blessed by my Portland-area extended family members in continuing my faith in a swift and righteous system of justice. What do I speak of exactly? Driver to face punishment for kicking kissing girls off bus. Yes, I included a picture. Yes, the picture makes it 100 times better (dibs on the left). I hope this event sets a strong precedent for young girls making out on TriMet busses. My usual bus rides are ridden with homeless and crazies; variety is always welcome. Have a great evening, folks, God bless justice.