Earlier this week I found myself with a hodgepodge of ingredients. Leftover tomatoes from making tomato soup. Hoagie buns from a work-related event. Aging cheddar from a bout with grilled cheese sandwiches. I decided it was a great time to make some parmigiana-style sub sandwiches.

To prepare the sauce, I started with a couple pounds of plum tomatoes. I cut out the stems and removed the skin by boiling them for about a minute each. After that, I sauteed onions and whole cloves of garlic in olive oil. Once the onions caramelized, I added my tomato mixture: paste and diced from a can and the fresh, skinless that I just prepared. I let this bubble over a low heat for about two hours.

One of the strengths of this sandwich is the ease of assembly, once the ingredients are prepared. Simply toast the hoagie, lay some warm meat (or meat substitute, as I did) on the bun, add cheese (optional), cover in sauce and top with parmesan cheese. The sandwich is much more visually pleasing if toasted once complete. I put mine in a toaster oven for a few minutes.

Overall, this sandwich was good. I enjoy the experience of mixing leftovers into something interesting. I was disappointed by the tomato & basil pizza burgers. I have purchased these twice and do not like them. They are heavily spiced and infused with mozzarella cheese, which sounds tasty, but ends up feeling out of place. I prefer to add cheese and spices myself. My favorite part about this sandwich was the toasting. It gives the sandwich a great look.

Final score (out of five):

Well, friends, it's that time of year again. I hope you are all enjoying a romantic evening with your loved ones as much as I enjoy my romantic evening with chocolates, a bottle of wine and soy dogs.

In the spirit of posting a hilarious link that will warm hearts, I want to share the writings of Smoove B, Love Man, self-proclaimed "king of seduction" and lover of succulent strawberries dipped in fine chocolate. He shows us the true meaning of love, which goes much further than Valentine's Day. Enjoy.

Director Quentin Tarantino is known for creating fake products for his films. Pulp Fiction features the Big Kahuna Burger, a Hawaiian-style hamburger restaurant in Los Angeles. Jules (Samuel L Jackson) samples a Big Kahuna Burger, exclaiming "Mmmm, this is a tasty burger!" The audience begs to know what makes the Big Kahuna Burger so tasty. I was shocked to find that still frames and product mock-ups show a double cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato and pickles on a sesame bun - but no pineapple! The mystery of the Big Kahuna Burger continues; I'll tell you how I made the Real Big Kahuna Burger.

The vital ingredients in this burger are pineapple and pickle. A thick slice of pineapple makes a savory sandwich slightly sweet. I chose thinly sliced bread and butter pickles since they are sweet and tangy. I prefer to keep my burgers vegetarian - at this point you may deviate if you wish. The featured patty is a Morningstar Farms "Grillers Original." Also appearing are sliced tomato and mozzarella. I'm sure cheddar, havarti or swiss would be equally delicious. Rounding out this setup are Heinz ketchup, dijon mustard and a potato bun, which I toasted.

A classic side to the hamburger is fries. These are very easy to make! Wash russet potatoes, slice them until they look like french fries. Skin removal is optional; I went about 50/50. Put them on a baking sheet, drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle with salt, pepper, paprika, onion powder and garlic power. Bake for 45 minutes at 450 degrees.

The greatest strength of the hamburger is its consistency. Short of burning ingredients, it is hard to screw up a home made burger. In my opinion, if you pay attention to having crispy vegetables, cheese and a hot patty, you are in for a winner. My Big Kahuna Burger was a great success. The pineapple introduces unique flavor to the sandwich. I found the mozzarella to be a great choice for cheese; it is mild and has complementary texture. I would like to thank Quentin Tarantino for giving me this idea. Hopefully a future film will reveal the truth about the Big Kahuna Burger.

Final score (out of five):

I recently embarked on an epic bicycle excursion to purchase some dried goods at my country store. After returning (and avoiding numerous collisions with motor traffic and pedestrians) I found myself famished to the point of exhaustion. I needed a hearty (vegetarian) manwich before I could even consider tackling the rest of the day. Continue to the next paragraph to see what I mean.

Time to break down the ingredients to this delicious sandwich. Sometimes it is difficult to come up with good meat alternatives for a non-traditional sandwich. If you agree with this sentence, check out Field Roast's Celebration Roast, a vegan grain roast that is very tasty and dense. Though I made this sandwich outside of the 'brunch' window, I decided to include two fried eggs. Adding fried eggs to a sandwich like this pushes it from great to outlandish. Next, a few slices of sharp cheddar cheese. I wrapped things up with some thick-sliced 10-grain bread fresh from my bread machine.

Summary of preparation: slice the Celebration Roast, rub with olive oil and bake for 10-15 minutes. Fry the eggs to your liking. Toast the bread to your liking. Slice the cheese to your liking. This can be a good time to reflect on your day, center your chi and think about fighting the good fight. Add desired condiments (mayonnaise, mustard, relish, horseradish, etc.) and pile everything on.

I designed this sandwich to let people know that I still have what it takes to rock the house (and do the right thing in a topsy-turvy world that challenges our faith every day). This sandwich is worth about 900 calories, 60 grams of protein and 40 grams of fat (though less than 20 of it is saturated). This is the perfect sandwich to encourage growth of your 'winter coat,' ensuring comfort during long walks with your loved ones during the holiday season.

You've waited long enough for my conclusion, so here we go. This sandwich was delicious. Everything came together wonderfully. Though not the prettiest sandwich I've ever made, it made up for it in character. After consuming it I felt refreshed, recharged and ready to do many difficult physics problems (results may vary, talk to your doctor/academic adviser if you are considering this sandwich). Highly recommended.
Final score (out of five):

Reporting from the ivory tower, Beck shows you what New York is interested in this week (what you'll be interested in, in a few months). Take note! Impress your friends! Maximum yuks guaranteed!

Though I do not often involve myself with bacon, I appreciate its various novelties: a fat-to-meat ratio without equal, extremely useful grease and unmatched taste. Enthusiasm for bacon is widespread. You can make your own bacon! You can season any food with bacon! You can make a burning man out of bacon! Because bacon wasn't unhealthy enough before, you can make bacon-stuffed-sausage-stuffed-bacon! The Bacon Explosion is the bacon dish for the 21st century. 5000 calories and 500 grams of fat in each roll; a sandwich with this inside is only about four times worse for you than a burger. Vege soldiers out there - this is the dish to break your vege with. It will be better than sex, up until you start to feel the fat coursing through you. I'm contemplating this for the Super Bowl - maybe you should be too.

Switching directions, the worldwide popularity of curling continues to explode. Since its introduction in the Winter Olympics in 1998, it has occupied the hearts and minds of hundreds! Even Brazil loves it! This week they challenge the United States at the 2009 National Championships in Bismarck, North Dakota. I'm thinking what you're thinking! Ja Brazil we got a curlin team! If the past is any indicator, by 2014 we should be enjoying a pleasant family film juxtaposing the hot Brazilian lifestyle with frigid curling competition. Against some stern Nazis or communists or something from Iceland or Poland or something. Rest in peace John Candy, we really needed you this time. We hope Disney can find a man near your talent and stature to make this film happen.

A resident of Dallas, Oregon was found guilty of sexual abuse after ejaculating on the leg of his friends' sleeping wife. The three adults had been viewing a football match, became "extremely intoxicated" and fell asleep in the living room. The woman awoke to a "wet feeling" on her leg and suspected foul play. A Polk County Judge found this action worthy of charges of sexual abuse, private indecency and harassment.

This ruling by activist judge Fred Avera sets a dangerous precedent in masturbator's rights. Most troubling is the redefinition of semen as a body part. If a certain John Doe were to ejaculate into a receptacle, promptly package and send it via post, finally having it opened by a certain Jane Doe - who subsequently allows certain amounts of this liquid to contact her limbs or torso, would that be considered a crime? If this is wrong then I don't want to be right.

The double layer peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Note: this sandwich review was meant for publication nearly two months ago. I deemed it necessary to see how history would judge this sandwich. History, of course, kicks ass, but it was no match for this sandwich. It is just as awesome today as it was when I first made it. Dear reader, why don't you continue and see what I mean? (Shout out to my ladies and Garrett)

The temple of ingredients. A long time ago I was a big fan of raspberry jelly. These days, you will most often find me combining my peanut butter with blackberry jelly. I prefer blackberry jelly because it is less viscous and slightly less sweet than raspberry. When I found out that my local market didn't carry said jelly, I decided to give raspberry a try. As far as peanut butter, I like any brand that is crunchy, natural and oily (just like my women); this one fits.

I'd like to get past the ingredients and focus on what makes this sandwich an animal: two freakin' layers of filling. I'll be conservative and say that I am the first person to ever make a double layer PB&J. When I pulled this concept out of thin air, it made a huge amount of sense - it was a moment of complete clarity. This sandwich would be more filling than a normal-sized PB&J and also have a higher ratio of condiment to bread. It would still be portable and easy to handle, yet pack that extra punch that the American worker demands. All of these upgrades to the standard PB&J foreshadowed absolute success in this project.

This sandwich was delicious. Everything that should have gone right went right, while everything that could have gone wrong was so scared of my violent temper that nothing reared its head. Rest assured, I recommend this sandwich to all peanut butter and jelly enthusiasts across the world. This sandwich gets five stars because it pushes PB&J to a new level, and I made it happen. The real hero here is obviously me, which is why I am giving myself five stars. I pulled this off like a pro and I deserve some recognition. Until next time, Sir Beck out.

 Final score (out of five): 

Personal evaluation (out of five):

Today's stories are brought to you by CNN, which is great since I don't have to make any of the jokes: the Associated Press has already all the work for me!

U.S. officials rethink hopes for Iraq democracy. I almost thought this article was taken straight from The Onion until a punch-line was missing from the conclusion. This article is full of choice quotes that ought to disturb, frighten or even incite laughter in any reader:

"...while the two top U.S. officials in Iraq still talk about preserving the country's nascent democratic institutions, they say their ambitions aren't as "lofty" as they once had been."

"That is the $50,000 question. ... What will this government look like? Will it be a democracy? Will it not?""

Most of you never thought this day would come. I'm back. Sandwiches are back. Tuna is back. Do you think it's a coincidence that Beck is so close to Back? All of you can go to hell, I was born with that name for a reason - so I could eventually come back. Well here it is. Today I bring you my first sandwich review in two years.

I will be honest with you, dear Reader - today's sandwich is different. I'm not using relish. The mayonnaise I'm using is real. The mustard has some horseradish in it. And I'm adding chopped celery and salt and pepper. Rest easy, I have not changed my bread -  I'm still using wheat. I have also been conservative with my choice of cut - straight down the middle. I don't think any of these changes are radical, though they will surely determine the deliciousness of this sandwich. Let's move on.

My first bite into this sandwich was pure bliss. The tuna maintains its delicate flavor wonderfully amongst so many other ingredients. The celery provides for an extra crunch that gives this sandwich a lot of extra points. I am quite happy with my decision to cut this sandwich down the middle. This single cut made the sandwich very structurally sound, which was important to me as I planned on bringing the sandwich to work in a bag. I am slightly disappointed that I was not able to taste more of the mustard. I was really looking for a little bit of spice in this sandwich and the condiments fell short.

Final score (out of five): 

Come Wednesday, most good family men such as myself ask ourselves how we might get through our tough weeks in such a merciless and cut-throat world. I know there are two things that keep me going: family and faith. This week I am blessed by my Portland-area extended family members in continuing my faith in a swift and righteous system of justice. What do I speak of exactly? Driver to face punishment for kicking kissing girls off bus. Yes, I included a picture. Yes, the picture makes it 100 times better (dibs on the left). I hope this event sets a strong precedent for young girls making out on TriMet busses. My usual bus rides are ridden with homeless and crazies; variety is always welcome. Have a great evening, folks, God bless justice.