It's that time of year again, that beautiful time when the verdant foliage awakes from its slumber, Old Man Winter busts his final icy nut over the landscape, and, perhaps the surest sign of spring, freakishly tall man-boys entertaining freakishly fat spectators with fascinating displays of ball-handling prowess. Indeed, college basketball playoff season, or "March Madness," as the kids are calling it these days, is upon us. I know, exciting, right?

For the sake of certain wyvern920.com readers, basically what we're talking about here is 64 college basketball teams playing each other in a "bracket" format, so as to ensure a streamlined gambling experience. Teams are "seeded" according to their level of talent and size of endowment fund, so that good teams such as the University of North Carolina are playing severely deficient teams the likes of the Eastern Maine Institute of Lobster Fishery Sciences. This goes on, on and, wait for it... on for four rounds or so, until there are but four teams remaining: the fabled "Final Four." Out of this sheer insanity, or madness, if you will, the NCAA Division-I Men's Basketball Champion is crowned. Don't care? Me neither.

Allow me to explain. Despite the fact that I worked the first two rounds of the Tournament, which went down at the Rose Garden, I find it difficult to get excited about college basketball. While I enjoy the game of basketball, the college game is, on the surface, too squeaky-clean. While I realize that there are dark nuances to recruiting, training and playing in a collegiate setting, I've never been one for hidden dirt. I prefer my corruption out in the open, a la Rod Blagojevich or the Oakland Raiders. Thus, until the NCAA sanctions point shaving, sucker-punching and general shit talking, I ain't watching.

When I worked for University of Montana Athletics, there were posters everywhere - EVERYWHERE - in the players' area warning about loss of eligibility for violations ranging from substances to gambling. Fuck. This. As far as I'm concerned, we need MORE substances, gambling and assorted bad behavior in sports. Once they leave the court, I want to see players snorting coke-n-roid cocktails before heading off to place bets with unlicensed gaming establishments, all the while carousing with hookers and, God willing, fighting a brutha or two. Hopefully, this should lead to an all-around and desirable increase in on-court violence and watchability.

I encourage all of you to write your Congressmen and/or women to demand that something is done about this. Violence, vice and excess are proud American traditions, and are sorely lacking from one of our most allegedly American institutions: March Madness.